Students
One night 4 university students were boozing till late night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.
They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
The dean was a just person so he said that you can have the re-test after 3 days. They said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the dean. The dean said that this was a special condition that all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days.
The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 marks:
MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION
INSTRUCTIONS:
All questions are compulsory.
Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.
Q.1. Write down your name----- (2 MARKS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended----- (30 Marks)
Q.3. What type of a car burst a tyre. ------ (20 Marks)
Q.4. Which tyre burst ------- (28 marks)
Q.5. Who was driving---------- (20 marks)
END OF PAPER
Side by side
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every singleday. One day,when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, youwere there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?""What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck... get the hell away from me."
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, youwere there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?""What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck... get the hell away from me."
Some place expensive
When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive................ ...
So I took her to a petrol station !!!!!!!
So I took her to a petrol station !!!!!!!
SYRIA
POSITIVELY PRICELESS!!!
Read the following explanation before looking at the picture!
Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.
So, how does a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard 'Death To Americans'(etc.) slo gans printed in English?
Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English. Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the 'civilian' insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Army Sergeant!
Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way to Arab TV networks, but the results were PRICELESS!
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Read the following explanation before looking at the picture!
Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.
So, how does a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard 'Death To Americans'(etc.) slo gans printed in English?
Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English. Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the 'civilian' insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Army Sergeant!
Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way to Arab TV networks, but the results were PRICELESS!
Interesting Questions]
WHO'S IDEA WAS IT THAT WE SHOULD WORK FIVE DAYS IN A WEEK ? (WHY NOT THREE?)
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Do you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat
the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to
a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
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Slow down or stop?
Cop pulls over a taxi.
Cop says: 'License please.'
Taxi driver says: 'What for?'
Cop: 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Taxi driver: 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Cop: 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License please.'
Taxi driver: 'What's the difference?'
Cop: 'The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the
law. License please!'
Taxi driver: 'Heish ... if you can show me the difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and you give me the ticket, if
not you let me go and no ticket.'
Cop says: 'Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The taxi driver gets out of his taxi, whereupon the cop takes out his
truncheon and starts beating the crap out of the taxi driver and
says: 'you want me to stop or just slow down?'
Taxi driver : EISH, DIE COP HY EXPLAIN BAIE MOOI !
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VERSTAAN JY JOU VROU ?
Dit is vir mans baie belangrik om te besef dat namate vrouens ouer word, hulle dit moeiliker vind om dieselfde kwaliteit van huishouding te handhaaf as toe hulle jonger was. Wanneer 'n man dit agterkom moet hy probeer om nie te skreeu nie..... Laat ek julle inlig hoe ek dit hanteer.
Toe ek 'n tyd gelede my werk as Verkeersbeampte verloor het, het ek 'n afleggingspakket vir "vroeë aftrede" ontvang. Dit was toe nodig dat Katryn 'n permanente werk moes aanvaar, nie net om die pot aan die kook te hou nie, maar ons het dit ook nodig gehad vir die mediese fonds-voordele.
Sy was 'n opgeleide Bankklerk toe ons 27 jaar gelede ontmoet het en sy was baie gelukkig om nou weer 'n soortgelyke werk te kry. Kort nadat sy weer begin werk het, het ek agtergekom dat haar ouderdom haar inhaal.
Ek kom gewoonlik vanaf my visvang of klub dieselfde tyd huis toe as wat sy van die werk af kom. Alhoewel sy weet dat ek dan honger is, sal sy amper altyd sê dat sy dan moeg is en eers 'n halfuur of so moet rus voordat sy begin om die aandete voor te berei. Ek probeer nie om haar te vermaan wanneer dit gebeur nie. Inteendeel, sê ek vir haar sy kan maar haar tyd gebruik. Ek verstaan dat sy nie meer so jonk as vantevore is nie. Ek vra haar net om my wakker te maak wanneer die kos op die tafel is.
Vroeër het sy die skottelgoed onmiddellik na ete gewas. Dit is nou egter nie meer altyd die geval nie en somtyds is die skottelgoed nog vir ure na ete op die tafel. Ek bring ook my kant deur haar telkemale gedurende die aand te herinner dat die borde nie hulleself sal was nie. Ek weet dat sy dit waardeer, aangesien ek sien dat dit werk en dat sy tog die skottelgoed voor slapenstyd was.
Ons wasmasjien en droër is onder in die kelder. Toe sy jonger was, kon Katryn verskeie kere per dag die trappe op en af klim sonder om moeg te word. Noudat sy ouer is, lyk dit of sy sommer baie gouer moeg word. Partykeer sê sy vir my dat sy net nie nog een keer die trap op en af kan klim nie. Ek maak nie 'n groot ding daarvan as sy so sê nie. Solank sy net die wasgoed voor die volgende aand gereed het, sal ek dit oorsien.
As ek intussen dalk iets nodig het wat voor Maandagaand se snoekerspel of Woensdagaand en Vrydagaand se pokerspel of Dinsdag en Donderdag se rolbal gestryk moet word, sal ek vir haar sê dat sy net moet stryk wat ek benodig en dat sy die res van die strykgoed kan laat tot die volgende aand. Dit gee haar dan so 'n bietjie meer tyd om die los werkies, soos die was van die honde, stofsuig of afstof te kan doen. Ook as ek 'n goeie dag by die viswaters gehad het, het sy dan daardie bietjie meer tyd om die vis se skubbe te krap en teen 'n gemaklike tempo te vlek.
Katryn begin so nou en dan te kla en murmureer, nie te dikwels nie, maar net genoeg sodat ek dit kan agterkom. 'n Voorbeeld hiervan is dat sy sal sê dat sy nie genoeg tyd gedurende haar etensuur het om al die maandelikse rekeninge te betaal nie. Ten spyte van haar klagtes gee ek haar ondersteuning en aanmoediging. Ek sê vir haar sy kan die betalings oor twee of selfs drie dae versprei. Deur dit te doen hoef sy nie so te jaag nie en verder herinner ek haar ook daaraan dat om nou en dan 'n middagete oor te slaan haar glad nie skade sal doen nie.(As julle snap wat ek bedoel)
Wanneer sy eenvoudige werkies doen, begin sy dink dat sy meer rusperiodes as voorheen, nodig het.
'n Paar weke gelede het sy, nog voordat die grasperk halfpad gesny was, gesê dat sy 'n ruskans nodig het. Ek ignoreer sulke aanmerkings aangesien ek weet dat dit maar net die ouderdom is wat praat. Trouens, ek probeer om haar nie te embarrasseer wanneer sy hierdie ruskanse wil hê nie. Ek sê sy kan gerus vir haar 'n lekker glas koue lemoensap gaan uitdruk en 'n rukkie sit...soms bied ek selfs aan om 'n glas sap saam met haar te drink, aangesien sy terselftertyd vir my ook 'n glas vol kan uitdruk. Sy kan dan haar ruskansie kry deur daar by die hangmat te sit en met my te gesels tot ek aan die slaap raak. So kan ek aangaan, maar ek dink dat julle teen hierdie tyd al agtergekom het dat ek soos 'n engel uit die hemel is, soos wat ek vir Katryn op 'n daaglikse basis ondersteun.
Ek wil nie beweer dat dit maklik is om soveel verdraagsaamheid aan die dag te lê nie. Baie mans sal dit moeilik vind....party selfs onmoontlik.
Niemand weet beter as ek hoe frustrerend vrouens kan wees namate hulle ouer word nie. Die doel met hierdie skrywe van my is eenvoudig om julle te versoek om 'n poging aan te wend om so verdraagsaam soos ek te wees.
Om dieselfde vlak van verdraagsaamheid as ek te bereik, sit egter nie in elke man se broek nie. Wel, deur dalk net 'n bietjie minder met julle vrouens te raas nadat julle hierdie brief gelees het, het ek in my doel geslaag en was dit die moeite werd om hierdie brief te skryf!
Groete,
Frikkie
(Nota van die redakteur: Frikkie se begrafnis was voorverlede Saterdag.
Katryn is Maandag vry gespreek.)
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you are even remotely familiar with holy scripture, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a roman catholic elementary school tests kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been re-touched or corrected.
Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIM SELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTER WARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA .. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL...
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BE FORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT
ALONE..
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE A POSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
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Skrikwekkend!!!
READ FIRST!!
A friend of mine who is a former Police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint at heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the attachment, it is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper.Taken shortly after he landed, it shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders.
A friend of mine who is a former Police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint at heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the attachment, it is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper.Taken shortly after he landed, it shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders.
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