Gatiep
Gatiep sit gesuip langs Maraai se graf en tjank.
Lekker dronk verdrietig:
"Meraai as jy net terugkom hou ek op drink!"
n' Mol is besig om 'n hopie op te stoot.
Gatiep spring die hopie plat:
"Jislaaik Meraai, kan jy nie 'n grap vattie!?"
Lekker dronk verdrietig:
"Meraai as jy net terugkom hou ek op drink!"
n' Mol is besig om 'n hopie op te stoot.
Gatiep spring die hopie plat:
"Jislaaik Meraai, kan jy nie 'n grap vattie!?"
Sick Leave
Sick leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would
Not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY'
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you are doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'
(You're gonna love this.....)
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would
Not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY'
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you are doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'
(You're gonna love this.....)
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
The Female Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Ma ke the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)
Welcome to Independent Africa!
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Sipho again
Sipho's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies" Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no! Not Sipho; He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor "Well what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks." Wow that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like that name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy's name?" The doctor replies.
"Denephew."
The doctor replies" Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no! Not Sipho; He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor "Well what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks." Wow that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like that name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy's name?" The doctor replies.
"Denephew."
New matric mathematics exam
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1981 and 2005
1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died
Lesson to be learned: The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died
Lesson to be learned: The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.
Taxi
A stark naked, drunken Australian woman, jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi.
The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.
“What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?”
“I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?
The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.
“What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?”
“I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?
Ou tannies
Drie susters 92, 94 en 96 woon saam in een huis. Die 92 jarige tap vir haar n bad water, toe sy haar voet insit, vra sy: Was ek besig om in te klim of uit te klim? Die 94 jarige sê: Wag, ek kom nou op, dan sal ek jou sê. Maar toe sy opgaan met die trappe, steek sy in haar spore vas: Was ek besig om op te gaan of af te kom? Die 96 jarige sê: Ai, ek's so bly ek is nie so vergeetagtig soos julle nie. Touch wood, en sy klop op die tafel. Ek sal julle nou kom help, ek wil net eers gaan kyk wie klop aan die deur. |
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