Showing posts with label South Africa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label South Africa. Show all posts
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New matric mathematics exam
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Actual writings in a Mpumalanga Hospital Register
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night..
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night..
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
FW: Hillbrow
Gauteng Police announced discovery of:
- arms cache of 200 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammo,
- 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tonnes of heroin,
- R80 million forged South African banknotes and 25 trafficked Nigerian prostitutes
- all in a block of flats behind the Hillbrow Public Library.
Local residents were stunned:
"We're shocked. We never knew we had a Library!”
Brakpan.......
"How many children?" asks the assessor?
"Ten" replies the Brakpan girl,
"Ten?" exclaims the Home Affairs worker.
"What are their names?"
"Kosie, Kosie, Kosie, Kosie, Kosie, Kosie, Kosie, Kosie, Kosie and Kosie "
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Brakpan girl. "It’s great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout Kosie, YOUR SUPPER'S READY or Kosie GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Home Affairs worker.
"That's easy," says the Brakpan girl... "I just use their surnames"
The Datsun never dies
Some good old SA humour...
A guy breaks down in his Datsun bakkie out in Boksburg. A Hummer pulls upnext to him :'Ek sê come I'll sommer tow you with my Hummer, but if I drive too fast, flash your lights and hoot so that I can slow down!'
Off they go... Pull up to a robot, Ferrari pulls up next to the Hummer, tunes ' Wanna dice ek sê?' Revving engines, robot goes green, and they haul it down the road.
Dude standing on the side of the road sees them tearing past, neck in neck.
Phones his tjommie 'Ai boet, I've got a story to tell you, I just saw a Hummer and Ferrari dicing, neck in neck ek sê like 300km/h' Tjommie - 'Pretty hip ey?'
Dude says to him ' That aint the story, there's a Datsun bakkie right behind them, flashing and hooting, he wants to overtake china!!!!!'
A guy breaks down in his Datsun bakkie out in Boksburg. A Hummer pulls upnext to him :'Ek sê come I'll sommer tow you with my Hummer, but if I drive too fast, flash your lights and hoot so that I can slow down!'
Off they go... Pull up to a robot, Ferrari pulls up next to the Hummer, tunes ' Wanna dice ek sê?' Revving engines, robot goes green, and they haul it down the road.
Dude standing on the side of the road sees them tearing past, neck in neck.
Phones his tjommie 'Ai boet, I've got a story to tell you, I just saw a Hummer and Ferrari dicing, neck in neck ek sê like 300km/h' Tjommie - 'Pretty hip ey?'
Dude says to him ' That aint the story, there's a Datsun bakkie right behind them, flashing and hooting, he wants to overtake china!!!!!'
S A A (South African Airways)
FLYING S A A
You know you're flying S.A.A. when you ask the air hostess for the black pepper and she brings you.
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THE SOWETAN.....
You know you're flying S.A.A. when you ask the air hostess for the black pepper and she brings you.
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THE SOWETAN.....
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