Showing posts with label Engineers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Engineers. Show all posts
Comprehending Engineers
Comprehending Engineers-Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go back to the office and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
Q. What's the difference between Electrical Engineers and Architects?
A. ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS BUILD WEAPONS, ARCHITECTS BUILD TARGETS.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five ("A Boy and His Frog")
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me? The boy said,
"Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go back to the office and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
Q. What's the difference between Electrical Engineers and Architects?
A. ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS BUILD WEAPONS, ARCHITECTS BUILD TARGETS.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five ("A Boy and His Frog")
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me? The boy said,
"Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem"
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
And since:
Knowledge = Power
and
Time = Money
it is therefore true that
Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving this equation for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
And since:
Knowledge = Power
and
Time = Money
it is therefore true that
Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving this equation for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
Tool Time
Probably the best descriptions of tools that I have ever seen.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bar metal stock out of your hands so it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted car part that you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time that it takes to say, "Ouch…."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Also prone to suddenly seize when drilling concrete in "Hammer" mode, spinning around flailing your legs and ripping the cord out of its socket.
PLIERS: Used for rounding off bolt heads. Also useful for creating blood-blisters on pinched fingers.
SMALL SHARP SCREWDRIVER: Used mostly for stabbing holes in your palm as you are prying the lid off an old paint tin.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion; the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles – now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the floor after you have installed your new disc brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the car bumper.
EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off the jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten time harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in boltholes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN ½ X 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, a good source of vitamin D "The sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at the same rate 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper and tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic Impact Wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone in Detroit, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip that you needed to remove in order to replace a $.50 part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a sort of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door.; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts. Has the nasty habit of following fingers to slice them open and delay further action.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your voice. It is also the next tool that you need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases the pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
RON Clemens, via email. Cars and Parts, January 2006 USA
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bar metal stock out of your hands so it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted car part that you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time that it takes to say, "Ouch…."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Also prone to suddenly seize when drilling concrete in "Hammer" mode, spinning around flailing your legs and ripping the cord out of its socket.
PLIERS: Used for rounding off bolt heads. Also useful for creating blood-blisters on pinched fingers.
SMALL SHARP SCREWDRIVER: Used mostly for stabbing holes in your palm as you are prying the lid off an old paint tin.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion; the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles – now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the floor after you have installed your new disc brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the car bumper.
EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off the jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten time harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in boltholes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN ½ X 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, a good source of vitamin D "The sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at the same rate 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper and tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic Impact Wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone in Detroit, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip that you needed to remove in order to replace a $.50 part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a sort of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door.; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts. Has the nasty habit of following fingers to slice them open and delay further action.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your voice. It is also the next tool that you need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases the pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
RON Clemens, via email. Cars and Parts, January 2006 USA
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