25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on, don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on, don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
Ole's finkers
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "It's 2007 Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........"How da hell vas I suppose to pick dem up?
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "It's 2007 Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........"How da hell vas I suppose to pick dem up?
Carry the load!
A husband comes from church, he greeted his wife and lifted her up.
He carried her around the house.
The wife was so surprised and she asked "did the pastor preach about being romantic"?
The husband said, "no, he said we must carry our burdens and sorrows".
He carried her around the house.
The wife was so surprised and she asked "did the pastor preach about being romantic"?
The husband said, "no, he said we must carry our burdens and sorrows".
Genie
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."
Twee mans in 'n kroeg
Twee mans sit 'n Vrydagaand laat by die toonbank in 'n kroeg in Boston"
So waar kom jy vandaan?" vra een aan die ander. "
Van die Vrystaat,"atwoord hy.
"Ongelooflik! Ek kom ook van die Vrystaat af! Kom ons drink 'n brandewyn op die Vrystaat en die noodlot wat ons hier saamgebring het!
En waar is jy gebore?""Ek is in Heilbron gebore," antwoord die man.
"Jy lieg! Ek ook! Ek is ook in Heilbron gebore! Kom, drink nog 'n brandewyn daarop. Op Heilbron en die noodlot wat ons hiersaamgebring het!"
So gaan dit aan, brandewyn na brandewyn op alles wat hulle in gemeen het.'n Man aan die verste punt van die toonbank hou die twee al lank dop en sy nuuskierigheid raak te erg.
"Wat gaan aan met daardie twee?" vra hy aan die kroegman.
"Ag, ignoreer dit maar," antwoord hy. "Die Fourie tweeling is alweer gesuip."
So waar kom jy vandaan?" vra een aan die ander. "
Van die Vrystaat,"atwoord hy.
"Ongelooflik! Ek kom ook van die Vrystaat af! Kom ons drink 'n brandewyn op die Vrystaat en die noodlot wat ons hier saamgebring het!
En waar is jy gebore?""Ek is in Heilbron gebore," antwoord die man.
"Jy lieg! Ek ook! Ek is ook in Heilbron gebore! Kom, drink nog 'n brandewyn daarop. Op Heilbron en die noodlot wat ons hiersaamgebring het!"
So gaan dit aan, brandewyn na brandewyn op alles wat hulle in gemeen het.'n Man aan die verste punt van die toonbank hou die twee al lank dop en sy nuuskierigheid raak te erg.
"Wat gaan aan met daardie twee?" vra hy aan die kroegman.
"Ag, ignoreer dit maar," antwoord hy. "Die Fourie tweeling is alweer gesuip."
Royal flush
It would seem that someone within the "royal ranks" passed wind whilst on the balcony much to the amusement of all.Notice HM the Queen's face in the first two photo's, then look at her final expression in picture three.How guilty does HRH the Duke of Edinburgh look?
Sielerus
Ek stuur hierdie aan jou want dit het beslis vir my gewerk en ek dink ons almal het 'n bietjie vrede van binne nodig. Ek het die eenvoudige advies van wat ek gelees het in 'n artikel gevolg. Die artikel stel dit so: "Om totale vrede van binne te ervaar moet jy alles wat jy begin het klaar maak."
Ek kyk toe rond in die huis om te sien wat ek begin het en nie klaar gemaak het nie. En voor ek vanoggend die huis verlaat het het ek 'n bottel rooiwyn, 'n bottel witwyn, Baileys, drie Bacardi Breezers, Jack Daniels, so vier Prozac, 'n paar Valiums, twee snye kaaskoek en 'n boks sjokolade klaar gemaak.
Jy het geen idee hoe goed ek voel nie!!!
Ek kyk toe rond in die huis om te sien wat ek begin het en nie klaar gemaak het nie. En voor ek vanoggend die huis verlaat het het ek 'n bottel rooiwyn, 'n bottel witwyn, Baileys, drie Bacardi Breezers, Jack Daniels, so vier Prozac, 'n paar Valiums, twee snye kaaskoek en 'n boks sjokolade klaar gemaak.
Jy het geen idee hoe goed ek voel nie!!!
Retirement Dinner
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years serving the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was late getting there, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me, he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was late getting there, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me, he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
In the army
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
- ----------------------------------------------------
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
- ----------------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
- ----------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
- ----------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
- ---------------------------------------------------- "
If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
- ---------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
- ----------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
- ---------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
- ----------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
- ---------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
- -----------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
- ----------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper . Once."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
- -----------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
- -----------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
- -----------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
- ----------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
- -----------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
- ----------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
- ------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
- ------------------------------------------------------ "
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
- ------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
- ------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
- ------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
- -------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply:"I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
- ----------------------------------------------------
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
- ----------------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
- ----------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
- ----------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
- ---------------------------------------------------- "
If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
- ---------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
- ----------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
- ---------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
- ----------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
- ---------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
- -----------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
- ----------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper . Once."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
- -----------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
- -----------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
- -----------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
- ----------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
- -----------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
- ----------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
- ------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
- ------------------------------------------------------ "
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
- ------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
- ------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
- ------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
- -------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
- -----------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply:"I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Some More Mental Jokes
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.
When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead."
Jim replied, "She's not dead, I just hung her out to dry."
A mental hosiptal was critically overcrowded. The doctors decided to get all the patients seated in one large room to conduct a test to see how many they discharge that day. At the front of the room the Doctors took some chalk and drew a full size door on a blackboard and offered an icecream to any patient who could open the door.
There was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching an clawing at the door and the handle. The doctors were disappointed, until they noticed a single patient who remained in his chair and was quietly chuckling to himself as watched his fellow patients. Encouraged that at least 1 patient could be dicharged today, the doctors asked him why he wasn't trying to open the door. The patient, who could no longer contain his laughter, shouted " I've got the key!!!"
New Study:
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their Internet browsers with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead."
Jim replied, "She's not dead, I just hung her out to dry."
A mental hosiptal was critically overcrowded. The doctors decided to get all the patients seated in one large room to conduct a test to see how many they discharge that day. At the front of the room the Doctors took some chalk and drew a full size door on a blackboard and offered an icecream to any patient who could open the door.
There was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching an clawing at the door and the handle. The doctors were disappointed, until they noticed a single patient who remained in his chair and was quietly chuckling to himself as watched his fellow patients. Encouraged that at least 1 patient could be dicharged today, the doctors asked him why he wasn't trying to open the door. The patient, who could no longer contain his laughter, shouted " I've got the key!!!"
New Study:
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their Internet browsers with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
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Dear Dr. Phil
Dear Dr. Phil
I am a crack dealer in Kempton Park, Gauteng, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Hillbrow and one of my sisters, who lives in Benoni, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Brakpan. I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non parole life sentence at Leeukop Central and my other brother is currently in jail awaiting his sentence.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Yeoville.
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé very much And look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be Totally open and honest with her .
Should I tell her about my cousin who is a BLUE BULLS supporter?
Signed (Worried About My Reputation)
I am a crack dealer in Kempton Park, Gauteng, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Hillbrow and one of my sisters, who lives in Benoni, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Brakpan. I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non parole life sentence at Leeukop Central and my other brother is currently in jail awaiting his sentence.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Yeoville.
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé very much And look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be Totally open and honest with her .
Should I tell her about my cousin who is a BLUE BULLS supporter?
Signed (Worried About My Reputation)
Pickup Line
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely attractive, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter what, for $20, on one condition."Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowlyremoved a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said..................
Clean my house.
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter what, for $20, on one condition."Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowlyremoved a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said..................
Clean my house.
Blond Grappies
Hoekom gooi die blond krummels in die toilet ?
Sy voer die toilet duck.
Hoekom maak die blond net een skoenveter vas ?
Want op die skoen staan "taiwan".
Hoekom staar die blond vasgenael na die resepteboek ?
Die resep se: "moenie roer nie".
Hoekom hou die blond lee bottels in die yskas ?
Dis vir vriende wat nie drink nie.
Hoekom verf die blond haar huis met twee jasse aan?
Die blik verf sê: "two coats."
Fortuinverteller
Fortuinverteller: "Jy sal arm en ongelukkig wees tot jy agt-en-vyftig is."
"Ja, en dan?"
"Dan sal jy daaraan gewoond raak."
"Ja, en dan?"
"Dan sal jy daaraan gewoond raak."
Waar kom die sêding
Wa' kom die sêding " Ek het jou lief" vandaan?
Eva bad innie stroompie en haar blaar'tjie dryf wêg...
Toe sy kla' is en oppie wal ko', toe staa' Adam daa', en swaai haa' blaa'tjie hien en wier, en sê: Eva, êk't djou 'leaf'.
Eva bad innie stroompie en haar blaar'tjie dryf wêg...
Toe sy kla' is en oppie wal ko', toe staa' Adam daa', en swaai haa' blaa'tjie hien en wier, en sê: Eva, êk't djou 'leaf'.
Tips from Employees To Their Managers
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been.
Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost-of-living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been.
Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost-of-living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
Tool Time
Probably the best descriptions of tools that I have ever seen.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bar metal stock out of your hands so it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted car part that you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time that it takes to say, "Ouch…."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Also prone to suddenly seize when drilling concrete in "Hammer" mode, spinning around flailing your legs and ripping the cord out of its socket.
PLIERS: Used for rounding off bolt heads. Also useful for creating blood-blisters on pinched fingers.
SMALL SHARP SCREWDRIVER: Used mostly for stabbing holes in your palm as you are prying the lid off an old paint tin.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion; the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles – now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the floor after you have installed your new disc brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the car bumper.
EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off the jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten time harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in boltholes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN ½ X 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, a good source of vitamin D "The sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at the same rate 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper and tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic Impact Wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone in Detroit, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip that you needed to remove in order to replace a $.50 part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a sort of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door.; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts. Has the nasty habit of following fingers to slice them open and delay further action.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your voice. It is also the next tool that you need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases the pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
RON Clemens, via email. Cars and Parts, January 2006 USA
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bar metal stock out of your hands so it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted car part that you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time that it takes to say, "Ouch…."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Also prone to suddenly seize when drilling concrete in "Hammer" mode, spinning around flailing your legs and ripping the cord out of its socket.
PLIERS: Used for rounding off bolt heads. Also useful for creating blood-blisters on pinched fingers.
SMALL SHARP SCREWDRIVER: Used mostly for stabbing holes in your palm as you are prying the lid off an old paint tin.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion; the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles – now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the floor after you have installed your new disc brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the car bumper.
EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off the jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten time harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in boltholes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN ½ X 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, a good source of vitamin D "The sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at the same rate 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper and tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic Impact Wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone in Detroit, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip that you needed to remove in order to replace a $.50 part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a sort of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door.; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts. Has the nasty habit of following fingers to slice them open and delay further action.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your voice. It is also the next tool that you need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases the pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
RON Clemens, via email. Cars and Parts, January 2006 USA
Useless Company?
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
373 in total or approximately 70%
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the SOUTH AFRICAN PARLIAMENT -
(The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line!)
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
373 in total or approximately 70%
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the SOUTH AFRICAN PARLIAMENT -
(The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line!)
Skokkend!
Kan nie glo wat deesdae in die kerke aangaan nie....
Sit Sondag langs 'n vrou wat ewe gemaklik 'n sigaret aansteek.
Ek was so geskok, het amper my bier laat val!...
Sit Sondag langs 'n vrou wat ewe gemaklik 'n sigaret aansteek.
Ek was so geskok, het amper my bier laat val!...
Die storie van Namibiese Sprinkane
Daar is baie van julle wat mos dink dat ek soms bietjie aandik wanneer ek 'n verhaaltjie vertel. Soos hierdie een oor die sprinkane. Oorlede Oupa vertel van hierdie kortstondige helse sprinkaanplaag daar in die dertigerjare boer tussen Karasburg en Aranos op sy plaas. Dis dié dat die plek nou nog so kaal lyk.
(Feit 1).
Maar hierdie is nou nie die gewone ou plagie soos wat oorlede Farao dit met Moses belewe het nie, of daardietjies waarvan Amos en Joël melding maak nie. Nee, hierdie plaag was veel erger; kleiner in getalle, dalk, maar groter in omvang. So vertel Oupa hoedat die son skielik verduister, en sy ore suis, toe die goet daar neerstryk. Hulle kom land soos 'n Boeing elk, so groot is hulle. En hulle land so reëlmatig net soos wat ons eige staatspresident dit deesdae doen
(Feit 2).
Daar is net nie rooi tapyte vir hulle nie, want dié sou hulle ook opvreet, soos toe ook met Oupa se luserntjies en groentetuintjie gebeur het. Maar so val die goet Oupa se karakoele aan (vir die oningeligtes; 'n karakoel is 'n agtergeblewe skaap) en begin húlle opvreet. En so val hulle sy koeikraal ook met militêre presisie binne. En Oumagrootjie se lê-henne verdwyn ook so die een na die ander. En Oupa strip homself toe natuurlik liederlik. So gryp hy sy 303 en sit af kraal toe op sy bicycle met Simba op 'n stormloop hier langs hom.
(Simba was sy skaaphond, ook agtergeblewe). Nou Oupa kon nie goed skiet nie (daardie dae het ons nog vrede in die land gehad, Feit 3),en hy had ook net twee patrone vir ingeval. Maar hy gaan vir volk en vaderland. By die kraal skiet hy toe 'n waarskuwingskoot in die lug soos wat die Polieste dit vereis
(Feit 4).
Maar toe raak hierdie 100+ sprinkane woedend. Een van hulle skree so "Kieejaa" in Japsnees, en karati-skop arme Blessie so poer in haar nek dat haar uiers net daar uitsak en sy morsdood neerslaan. Die klokkie om haar nek (sy was die leier-koei,feit 5) trek so kliengelieng-kliengelieng skuins agter Oupa verby. Simba storm, maar kry 'n klap van 'n sprinkaanvlerk dat dit voel soos 'n windmeul, en ook hy trek so Auui-Auui hier by Oupa verby.
Sedertdien sou hy (Simba, nie Oupa nie) altyd maar half gek wees (Feit 6). En net daar toe strip Oupa sy laaste skroefdraad. Normaalweg was hy baie sagmoedig (Feit 7), maar toe Simba op pad na vernedering hier by hom verbytrek, toe is dit eens te erg. Ek meen, Simba daar op die plaas was feitlik sy kamermaat
(Feit 8).
Oupa herlaai en lê aan op die hoofsprinkaan. Die skoot knal, die rook walm, die sprinkaan slaan drie keer bollemakiesie. Want dit is 'n doodskoot, senter tussen die twee saamgestelde oë van Hoofsprinkaan. Maar so in sy stuiptrekkinge skop hy wragtig vir oulaas vir arme Bossie (Oupa se stoetbul) op 'n sensitiewe plek so skadelik dat Oupa hom agterna van sy pligte moes onthef, en die 'B' van Bossie se naam moes afhaal.
Oupa is nou in die knyp, want sy patrone is op (Feit 9), en sy hond lê neus eerste in 'n erdvarkgat, van wie daar baie op die plaas is (Feit10). Maar die sprinkane weet dit nie.
Hulle is nou leierloos, en slaan op die vlug. Stof staan soos wat hulle na die aanloopbaan retereer,omdraai, en opstyg om die Kalahari binne te val wat sedertdien ook netso dor is
(Feit 11).
Oupa se plaaspaadjie, wat as aanloopbaan diens gedoen het, is vandag nog onrybaar (Feit 12) van al die paniek om vinnig op te styg. Julle glo my nie, nê ? Oumagrootjie het agterna, toe die stof (waarvan daar baie is, Feit 13) eers weer gesak het, 'n kiekie geneem. (Kiekies,vir die oningeligte leser, was die voorloper van fotos). En dié moet u immers glo; kiekies kan mos tog nie lieg nie ?
(Feit 14).
Met haar eige hande geneem, so op die driepootstaander wat sy gebruik het om seep oor die kole mee te kook. Gelukkig vir haar was die kole op daardie stadium dood. En hierdie kiekie staan tot vandag as bewys van die waarheid. Kyk self; dit is aangeheg.
Sal julle my nou 'n slag glo ???
(Feit 1).
Maar hierdie is nou nie die gewone ou plagie soos wat oorlede Farao dit met Moses belewe het nie, of daardietjies waarvan Amos en Joël melding maak nie. Nee, hierdie plaag was veel erger; kleiner in getalle, dalk, maar groter in omvang. So vertel Oupa hoedat die son skielik verduister, en sy ore suis, toe die goet daar neerstryk. Hulle kom land soos 'n Boeing elk, so groot is hulle. En hulle land so reëlmatig net soos wat ons eige staatspresident dit deesdae doen
(Feit 2).
Daar is net nie rooi tapyte vir hulle nie, want dié sou hulle ook opvreet, soos toe ook met Oupa se luserntjies en groentetuintjie gebeur het. Maar so val die goet Oupa se karakoele aan (vir die oningeligtes; 'n karakoel is 'n agtergeblewe skaap) en begin húlle opvreet. En so val hulle sy koeikraal ook met militêre presisie binne. En Oumagrootjie se lê-henne verdwyn ook so die een na die ander. En Oupa strip homself toe natuurlik liederlik. So gryp hy sy 303 en sit af kraal toe op sy bicycle met Simba op 'n stormloop hier langs hom.
(Simba was sy skaaphond, ook agtergeblewe). Nou Oupa kon nie goed skiet nie (daardie dae het ons nog vrede in die land gehad, Feit 3),en hy had ook net twee patrone vir ingeval. Maar hy gaan vir volk en vaderland. By die kraal skiet hy toe 'n waarskuwingskoot in die lug soos wat die Polieste dit vereis
(Feit 4).
Maar toe raak hierdie 100+ sprinkane woedend. Een van hulle skree so "Kieejaa" in Japsnees, en karati-skop arme Blessie so poer in haar nek dat haar uiers net daar uitsak en sy morsdood neerslaan. Die klokkie om haar nek (sy was die leier-koei,feit 5) trek so kliengelieng-kliengelieng skuins agter Oupa verby. Simba storm, maar kry 'n klap van 'n sprinkaanvlerk dat dit voel soos 'n windmeul, en ook hy trek so Auui-Auui hier by Oupa verby.
Sedertdien sou hy (Simba, nie Oupa nie) altyd maar half gek wees (Feit 6). En net daar toe strip Oupa sy laaste skroefdraad. Normaalweg was hy baie sagmoedig (Feit 7), maar toe Simba op pad na vernedering hier by hom verbytrek, toe is dit eens te erg. Ek meen, Simba daar op die plaas was feitlik sy kamermaat
(Feit 8).
Oupa herlaai en lê aan op die hoofsprinkaan. Die skoot knal, die rook walm, die sprinkaan slaan drie keer bollemakiesie. Want dit is 'n doodskoot, senter tussen die twee saamgestelde oë van Hoofsprinkaan. Maar so in sy stuiptrekkinge skop hy wragtig vir oulaas vir arme Bossie (Oupa se stoetbul) op 'n sensitiewe plek so skadelik dat Oupa hom agterna van sy pligte moes onthef, en die 'B' van Bossie se naam moes afhaal.
Oupa is nou in die knyp, want sy patrone is op (Feit 9), en sy hond lê neus eerste in 'n erdvarkgat, van wie daar baie op die plaas is (Feit10). Maar die sprinkane weet dit nie.
Hulle is nou leierloos, en slaan op die vlug. Stof staan soos wat hulle na die aanloopbaan retereer,omdraai, en opstyg om die Kalahari binne te val wat sedertdien ook netso dor is
(Feit 11).
Oupa se plaaspaadjie, wat as aanloopbaan diens gedoen het, is vandag nog onrybaar (Feit 12) van al die paniek om vinnig op te styg. Julle glo my nie, nê ? Oumagrootjie het agterna, toe die stof (waarvan daar baie is, Feit 13) eers weer gesak het, 'n kiekie geneem. (Kiekies,vir die oningeligte leser, was die voorloper van fotos). En dié moet u immers glo; kiekies kan mos tog nie lieg nie ?
(Feit 14).
Met haar eige hande geneem, so op die driepootstaander wat sy gebruik het om seep oor die kole mee te kook. Gelukkig vir haar was die kole op daardie stadium dood. En hierdie kiekie staan tot vandag as bewys van die waarheid. Kyk self; dit is aangeheg.
Sal julle my nou 'n slag glo ???
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Dol Definisies
HUWELIKSERTIFIKAAT : 'n Soort jaglisensie wat jou tot een bok beperk.
VLEISBRAAI : 'n Partytjie waar die kos so 'n bietjie rou en die gaste so 'n bietjie gaar is.
WITTEBROOD : Die vakansie wat 'n man neem voordat hy vir 'n nuwe baas begin werk.
BABAWAENTJIE : Verlede jaar se pret op wiele.
BEGROTING : Iets wat jou laat wakker lê nog voor jy jou geld bestee.
BELASTING : Die beloning vir energie, harde werk en spaarsamigheid.
BOOM : Iets wat jare op een plek bly staan en dan skielik op 'n dag voor 'n voertuig inspring.
BROMMER : Vlieg met 'n dieselengin.
BRUIDEGOM : Iemand wat hom teen iets taais vasgeloop het.
DIEET : 'n Manier van maer word waarvoor jy gou dik word.
EEND : 'n Hoender met roeispane vir voete.
EIER : 'n Voël se geboortedorp.
GERAAMTE : Iemand met sy binnekant buite en sy buitekant weg.
GESINSVAKANSIE : Wanneer jy alles saamneem waarvan jy eintlik wil wegkom.
GEWETE : Iets wat pla as alles baie lekker gaan.
KARSIEK : Dit wat jy elke maand kry as jy die paaiement moet betaal.
MôRE : 'n Plek waar jy alles kan aflaai wat jy gister moes gedoen het.
POU : 'n Hoender wat blom.
SNIPPERMANDJIE : Iets wat tieners altyd mis kyk.
SNOR : Bolip wat uitrafel.
TAKT : Die vermoë om jou mond toe te maak voor iemand anders dit vir jou doen.
VLEISBRAAI : 'n Partytjie waar die kos so 'n bietjie rou en die gaste so 'n bietjie gaar is.
WITTEBROOD : Die vakansie wat 'n man neem voordat hy vir 'n nuwe baas begin werk.
BABAWAENTJIE : Verlede jaar se pret op wiele.
BEGROTING : Iets wat jou laat wakker lê nog voor jy jou geld bestee.
BELASTING : Die beloning vir energie, harde werk en spaarsamigheid.
BOOM : Iets wat jare op een plek bly staan en dan skielik op 'n dag voor 'n voertuig inspring.
BROMMER : Vlieg met 'n dieselengin.
BRUIDEGOM : Iemand wat hom teen iets taais vasgeloop het.
DIEET : 'n Manier van maer word waarvoor jy gou dik word.
EEND : 'n Hoender met roeispane vir voete.
EIER : 'n Voël se geboortedorp.
GERAAMTE : Iemand met sy binnekant buite en sy buitekant weg.
GESINSVAKANSIE : Wanneer jy alles saamneem waarvan jy eintlik wil wegkom.
GEWETE : Iets wat pla as alles baie lekker gaan.
KARSIEK : Dit wat jy elke maand kry as jy die paaiement moet betaal.
MôRE : 'n Plek waar jy alles kan aflaai wat jy gister moes gedoen het.
POU : 'n Hoender wat blom.
SNIPPERMANDJIE : Iets wat tieners altyd mis kyk.
SNOR : Bolip wat uitrafel.
TAKT : Die vermoë om jou mond toe te maak voor iemand anders dit vir jou doen.
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
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