Graveyard
Two Irish men in a graveyard.
One says "Wow look paddy this guy here lived for 150 years"!!
Paddy says "wow thats a long time, what was his name ?
He replies: MILES FROM LONDON !!!!
One says "Wow look paddy this guy here lived for 150 years"!!
Paddy says "wow thats a long time, what was his name ?
He replies: MILES FROM LONDON !!!!
Schalk Burger
When Schalk Burger does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.
When Schalk Burger goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Schalk Burgered.
When the Tokoloshe goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for Schalk Burger.
Schalk Burger counted to infinity - twice.
Schalk Burger invented every colour. Except pink. Percy Montgomery invented pink.
Schalk Burger's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Schalk Burger gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Schalk Burger can slam a revolving door.
Some kids p*ss their name in the snow. Schalk Burger can p*ss his name into concrete.
Schalk Burger's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; No-one fools Schalk Burger .
Schalk Burger can speak Braille.
Schalk Burger's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Superman owns a pair of Schalk Burger pyjamas.
When Schalk Burger goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Schalk Burgered.
When the Tokoloshe goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for Schalk Burger.
Schalk Burger counted to infinity - twice.
Schalk Burger invented every colour. Except pink. Percy Montgomery invented pink.
Schalk Burger's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Schalk Burger gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Schalk Burger can slam a revolving door.
Some kids p*ss their name in the snow. Schalk Burger can p*ss his name into concrete.
Schalk Burger's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; No-one fools Schalk Burger .
Schalk Burger can speak Braille.
Schalk Burger's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Superman owns a pair of Schalk Burger pyjamas.
Robot
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.The robot then asked,
"Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "Oh, About 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat.Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "
A martini please."Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... Bout 10".
The robot clicked then leaned closeand very slowly asked,
"A-r-e Y-o-u -a- -B-l-u-e-B-u-l-l s-u-p-p-o-r-t-e-r?"
The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.The robot then asked,
"Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "Oh, About 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat.Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "
A martini please."Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... Bout 10".
The robot clicked then leaned closeand very slowly asked,
"A-r-e Y-o-u -a- -B-l-u-e-B-u-l-l s-u-p-p-o-r-t-e-r?"
Verkiesing
Al die diere in die woud het bymekaar gekom om 'n nuwe koning te kies.
Almal is daar, leeu, olifant, renoster, hulle wag net vir bobbejaan om die Blog klaar te lees.
Almal is daar, leeu, olifant, renoster, hulle wag net vir bobbejaan om die Blog klaar te lees.
Strangers
A 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled upbeside him and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver.
"No way", replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and R10?" asked the driver.
"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster
"What about a bag of juicy lollies and FIFTY bucks eh?",quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy.
"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you R100 and a bag of lollies",
the driver offered."NO!", screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver with a longsigh.
The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Tata, you live with it."
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver.
"No way", replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and R10?" asked the driver.
"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster
"What about a bag of juicy lollies and FIFTY bucks eh?",quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy.
"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you R100 and a bag of lollies",
the driver offered."NO!", screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver with a longsigh.
The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Tata, you live with it."
Konsultante
'n Windgat laaitie met 'n wipstert BMW van die Gauteng kom by 'n boer indie klein karoo aangeja dat die stof so staan.Hy klim uit en tune die oom "hoezit oom!?"
Die Boer groet beleefd en kyk die mannetjie uit."As ek vir oom kan vertel hoeveel skape oom op die plaas het, kan ekmaarvir my enetjie huistoe vat?" vra die laaitie.
Die boer dink so 'n bietjie en antwoord ja, hy weet immers hy't heelwat skaap op die plaas en die kans is skraal dat die outjie sou reg raai. Die laaitie ruk sy 'laptop' oop, koppel sy selfoon en klim op die internet.
Met vreeslike ingewikkelde programmatuur skuif die laaitie naderhand N.A.S.A se sateliete tot bo oor die karoo plasie en neem lugfoto's uit die ruimte uit. Met meer gevorderde programmatuur doen hy ingewikkelde berekeninge en na 'n uur se gespook kom hy op 'n getal uit...
"Oom het presies 3795 skape op die plaas"D
ie boer krap sy kop en wonder hoe de hel die mannetjie dit so reg het.
"Ja toe" antwoord die boer, "vat maar vir jou 'n skapie"
Die outjie glimlag breed en begin te soek. Uiteindelik het hy een in syarms en stap na sy motor se bagasiebak toe. Net toe hy sy prys wil inlaai stop die boer hom."As ek vir jou kan vertel watter soort werk jy doen, kan ek maar die diertjie hou?" vra die boer.
Die outjie dink so 'n bietjie en antwoord ja. Die oom het hom immers 'nkans gegee dink hy
,"Jy moet 'n konsultant wees" praat die boer.
"HEL hoe weet oom?" vra die laaitie
"man boet dis maklik" antwoord die boer.
"eerstens kom jy hier aan sonder om 'n afspraak te maak, tweedens vra jy my'n fooi om my iets te vertel wat ek reeds weet, en in die derde plek kan ek sien jy weet BOGGEROLL van skape af nie WANT DIS MY HOND DAAI!!!!!"
Die Boer groet beleefd en kyk die mannetjie uit."As ek vir oom kan vertel hoeveel skape oom op die plaas het, kan ekmaarvir my enetjie huistoe vat?" vra die laaitie.
Die boer dink so 'n bietjie en antwoord ja, hy weet immers hy't heelwat skaap op die plaas en die kans is skraal dat die outjie sou reg raai. Die laaitie ruk sy 'laptop' oop, koppel sy selfoon en klim op die internet.
Met vreeslike ingewikkelde programmatuur skuif die laaitie naderhand N.A.S.A se sateliete tot bo oor die karoo plasie en neem lugfoto's uit die ruimte uit. Met meer gevorderde programmatuur doen hy ingewikkelde berekeninge en na 'n uur se gespook kom hy op 'n getal uit...
"Oom het presies 3795 skape op die plaas"D
ie boer krap sy kop en wonder hoe de hel die mannetjie dit so reg het.
"Ja toe" antwoord die boer, "vat maar vir jou 'n skapie"
Die outjie glimlag breed en begin te soek. Uiteindelik het hy een in syarms en stap na sy motor se bagasiebak toe. Net toe hy sy prys wil inlaai stop die boer hom."As ek vir jou kan vertel watter soort werk jy doen, kan ek maar die diertjie hou?" vra die boer.
Die outjie dink so 'n bietjie en antwoord ja. Die oom het hom immers 'nkans gegee dink hy
,"Jy moet 'n konsultant wees" praat die boer.
"HEL hoe weet oom?" vra die laaitie
"man boet dis maklik" antwoord die boer.
"eerstens kom jy hier aan sonder om 'n afspraak te maak, tweedens vra jy my'n fooi om my iets te vertel wat ek reeds weet, en in die derde plek kan ek sien jy weet BOGGEROLL van skape af nie WANT DIS MY HOND DAAI!!!!!"
Sondagskool
Die seuntjie kom laat by die sondagskool aan. Sy juffrou weet dat hy altyd baie pligsgetrou is en vra toe of daar iets verkeerd is. Hy vertel toe dat hy wou gaan visvang maar dat sy pa gesê het dat hy kerk toe moet kom.
Die juffrou was baie beïndruk en vra toe of sy pa vir hom verduidelik het waarom hy liewer moet kerk toe kom as om te gaan vis vang. "Ja, Juffrou," antwoord die seuntjie. "Hy't gesê hy het nie genoeg aas vir ons altwee nie!"
Die juffrou was baie beïndruk en vra toe of sy pa vir hom verduidelik het waarom hy liewer moet kerk toe kom as om te gaan vis vang. "Ja, Juffrou," antwoord die seuntjie. "Hy't gesê hy het nie genoeg aas vir ons altwee nie!"
Vertaal asseblief
VERTAAL IN ENGELS:
Soos in die tyd van die Voortrekkers, het ek en my swaer,Jan, ystervarke en stinkmuishonde gaan jag met die dubbelloop-haelgeweer. Uiteindelik sien my swaer Jan 'n stinkmuishond, sit 'n patroon in die loop, le aan, trek los en daar le die stinkmuishond bene in die lug.
Net toe ons nader kom ruik ons hoe die stinkmuishond stink en hardloop weg. My voet haak toe vas aan die wortel van 'n boom, ek slaan neer en breek my sleutelbeen. By die hoofpad uitgekom, staan daar 'n ou met 'n pap wiel. Hy vra toe of ons weet waar hy 'n motorhawe kan kry om lug vir die agterwiel te bekom. Van pure moedeloosheid bly sit ons net daar langs die pad.
ANTWOORD: As in the time of the Frontpullers, me and my heavy, John, went to shoot iron pigs and stink-mice-dogs with a dubble-walk-hailgun. At last my heavy John saw a stink-mouse-dog, so my heavy puts a pattern in the walk, lies on, pulls loose and there lies the stink-mouse-dog, bones in the light.
Just as us come close, us smelt how the stink-mouse-dog stinks and runs away quick. My foot hooks fast to the carrot of a tree, I fall down and breaks my keybone. As we came to the chiefroad, there stand an old with a porridge wheel. He asks if us knows where he can get a motorharbour to get some sky for his afterwheel. From pure motherlessness us sits just there next to the road.
Soos in die tyd van die Voortrekkers, het ek en my swaer,Jan, ystervarke en stinkmuishonde gaan jag met die dubbelloop-haelgeweer. Uiteindelik sien my swaer Jan 'n stinkmuishond, sit 'n patroon in die loop, le aan, trek los en daar le die stinkmuishond bene in die lug.
Net toe ons nader kom ruik ons hoe die stinkmuishond stink en hardloop weg. My voet haak toe vas aan die wortel van 'n boom, ek slaan neer en breek my sleutelbeen. By die hoofpad uitgekom, staan daar 'n ou met 'n pap wiel. Hy vra toe of ons weet waar hy 'n motorhawe kan kry om lug vir die agterwiel te bekom. Van pure moedeloosheid bly sit ons net daar langs die pad.
ANTWOORD: As in the time of the Frontpullers, me and my heavy, John, went to shoot iron pigs and stink-mice-dogs with a dubble-walk-hailgun. At last my heavy John saw a stink-mouse-dog, so my heavy puts a pattern in the walk, lies on, pulls loose and there lies the stink-mouse-dog, bones in the light.
Just as us come close, us smelt how the stink-mouse-dog stinks and runs away quick. My foot hooks fast to the carrot of a tree, I fall down and breaks my keybone. As we came to the chiefroad, there stand an old with a porridge wheel. He asks if us knows where he can get a motorharbour to get some sky for his afterwheel. From pure motherlessness us sits just there next to the road.
Groot Boersuen
A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his cellphone rings.
He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole bar announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.
Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and says, "We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically South African".
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of "WOW" are heard. One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar.
Barman says "We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's. The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks "What happened, he already weighed 12kg on the day he was born".
The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle beer, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans proudly over to the bartender and says: "Had him circumcised boet"
He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole bar announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy.
Nobody can believe the weight but the South African just shrugs and says, "We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's typically South African".
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of "WOW" are heard. One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar.
Barman says "We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to how much your 12kg son weighs now, so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's. The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks "What happened, he already weighed 12kg on the day he was born".
The South African father takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle beer, wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans proudly over to the bartender and says: "Had him circumcised boet"
Wiskunde
Wiskunde vraestelle deur die jare:
* Wiskunde in die 1960's: 'n Boer verkoop 'n bakkievrag vol brandhout vir R100. Sy produksie-koste is 4/5 van die prys. Wat is sy profyt?
* Wiskunde in die 1970's: 'n Boer verkoop 'n bakkievrag vol brandhout vir R100. Sy uitgawes is 4/5 van die bedrag, of R80. Wat is sy profyt?
* Wiskunde in die 1980's: 'n Boer verkoop 'n bakkievrag vol brandhout vir R100. Sy uitgawes is R80. Het hy 'n profyt gemaak?
* Wiskunde in die 1990's: 'n Boer verkoop 'n bakkievrag vol brandhout vir R100. Sy uitgawes is R80 en sy profyt is R20. Opdrag: Onderstreep die syfer 20.
* Wiskunde in die 2000's: 'n Boer kap 'n pragtige woud af sodat hy 'n profyt van R20 kan maak.Voordat hy dit egter kan verkoop, word hy geskiet en sy bakkie gekaap. Die kaper verkoop die hout vir R50 en die boer se bakkie vir R800 en maak dus 'n wins van slegs R850.
Opdrag: Verduidelik hoekom dit apartheid se skuld is.
* Wiskunde in die 1960's: 'n Boer verkoop 'n bakkievrag vol brandhout vir R100. Sy produksie-koste is 4/5 van die prys. Wat is sy profyt?
* Wiskunde in die 1970's: 'n Boer verkoop 'n bakkievrag vol brandhout vir R100. Sy uitgawes is 4/5 van die bedrag, of R80. Wat is sy profyt?
* Wiskunde in die 1980's: 'n Boer verkoop 'n bakkievrag vol brandhout vir R100. Sy uitgawes is R80. Het hy 'n profyt gemaak?
* Wiskunde in die 1990's: 'n Boer verkoop 'n bakkievrag vol brandhout vir R100. Sy uitgawes is R80 en sy profyt is R20. Opdrag: Onderstreep die syfer 20.
* Wiskunde in die 2000's: 'n Boer kap 'n pragtige woud af sodat hy 'n profyt van R20 kan maak.Voordat hy dit egter kan verkoop, word hy geskiet en sy bakkie gekaap. Die kaper verkoop die hout vir R50 en die boer se bakkie vir R800 en maak dus 'n wins van slegs R850.
Opdrag: Verduidelik hoekom dit apartheid se skuld is.
'n Paar grappies
Die verskil tussen die ou R.S.A. en die nuwe R.S.A:
In die oue, was plastiek sakke verniet en kondome te koop.
In die nuwe, is kondome verniet en plastiek sakke te koop.
GRAPPIE:
Twee boere ry deur die karoo en aan die linkerkant van die geelstreep. 'n Swart verkeersbeampte (Georgie) trek hul van die pad af en sê:
"This line is fo tha bus!"
Boer sê: Goed! Ek is baas Piet en dit is baas Jan.
NOG 'N GRAPPIE:
Boer sê vir Sipho:
Aaai Sipho, jy werk stadig, jy eet stadig, jyloop stadig, is daar iets wat jy vinnig doen??
Sipho: Eish, ek word vinnig moeg.
In die oue, was plastiek sakke verniet en kondome te koop.
In die nuwe, is kondome verniet en plastiek sakke te koop.
GRAPPIE:
Twee boere ry deur die karoo en aan die linkerkant van die geelstreep. 'n Swart verkeersbeampte (Georgie) trek hul van die pad af en sê:
"This line is fo tha bus!"
Boer sê: Goed! Ek is baas Piet en dit is baas Jan.
NOG 'N GRAPPIE:
Boer sê vir Sipho:
Aaai Sipho, jy werk stadig, jy eet stadig, jyloop stadig, is daar iets wat jy vinnig doen??
Sipho: Eish, ek word vinnig moeg.
Wat is ek?
Klein Sipho Mohammed Zwane kom die middag van die skool af, MeredalePrimary, sit sy tassie in die kombuis neer waar sy ma besig is om vir hom 'n groot bord kerrie en pap in te skep.
Hy druk, druk die lepel indie kos, sug beswaard en vra vir sy ma, "Ma, is ek 'n Indier soos jy ofis ek swart soos pa?"
Fatima dink dis 'n saak vir haar man en sê vir klein Sipho Mohammed dathy sy pa moet vra as hy by die huis kom. So net na Egoli, kom Vuyo bydie huis in sy BMW en soos 'n pyl uit 'n boog is sy seun op sy skoot toehy in die sitkamer voor die tv neersak.
"Pa, is ek 'n Indier soos mom of'n swartman soos jy?" "Wat maak dit saak hoeveel van jou Indier is en hoeveel swart, jy is ons kind en klaar!
Now why you asking a questionlike that? ""
Ek MOET weet dad, daai outjie om die hoek wil sy fiets verkoop virR200 en ek weet nie of ek hom moet afstry na R100 toe, en of ek moet wag tot dit donker is en die fiets sommer gaan steel nie."
Hy druk, druk die lepel indie kos, sug beswaard en vra vir sy ma, "Ma, is ek 'n Indier soos jy ofis ek swart soos pa?"
Fatima dink dis 'n saak vir haar man en sê vir klein Sipho Mohammed dathy sy pa moet vra as hy by die huis kom. So net na Egoli, kom Vuyo bydie huis in sy BMW en soos 'n pyl uit 'n boog is sy seun op sy skoot toehy in die sitkamer voor die tv neersak.
"Pa, is ek 'n Indier soos mom of'n swartman soos jy?" "Wat maak dit saak hoeveel van jou Indier is en hoeveel swart, jy is ons kind en klaar!
Now why you asking a questionlike that? ""
Ek MOET weet dad, daai outjie om die hoek wil sy fiets verkoop virR200 en ek weet nie of ek hom moet afstry na R100 toe, en of ek moet wag tot dit donker is en die fiets sommer gaan steel nie."
Life after death
BOSS : "Sipho , Do you believe in life after Death?"
Sipho: "Ack-chewully , No Sir "
BOSS : "Why not ?
Sipho : "Well , basicully , there is no proof that it ack-chewully exists , Sir
BOSS: "Well there is proof now. Sipho : "Hai-bo ! Seri-ass ? "
BOSS : Yes absolutely , After you left early yesterday to go to yourbrother's funeral, he came here looking for you."Sipho: "Eeishh..."
Sipho: "Ack-chewully , No Sir "
BOSS : "Why not ?
Sipho : "Well , basicully , there is no proof that it ack-chewully exists , Sir
BOSS: "Well there is proof now. Sipho : "Hai-bo ! Seri-ass ? "
BOSS : Yes absolutely , After you left early yesterday to go to yourbrother's funeral, he came here looking for you."Sipho: "Eeishh..."
Regstellende aksie in Feetjieland!
Sneeuwitjie word : Gitswartjie.
Kabouterland word : African village.
Goue Lokkies word : Dreadlocks.
Hansie & Grietjie word : Sipho & Thandi.
Jan En Die Boontjierank word : Mugabe En Die Daggabos.
Liewe Heksie word : Lovely Felicity.
Rooikappie word : Swartkappie.
Die Wolf word : Thôkeloshi.
Die 3 Varkies word : Goodness, Gift en Precious.
Barbie word : Modjadji.
Little Mermaid word : Little Maid.
Die Smurfies word : Die freedom-fighters.
Die Kabouters word : The Youth League.
Feetjieland word : Little Soweto.
Kabouterland word : African village.
Goue Lokkies word : Dreadlocks.
Hansie & Grietjie word : Sipho & Thandi.
Jan En Die Boontjierank word : Mugabe En Die Daggabos.
Liewe Heksie word : Lovely Felicity.
Rooikappie word : Swartkappie.
Die Wolf word : Thôkeloshi.
Die 3 Varkies word : Goodness, Gift en Precious.
Barbie word : Modjadji.
Little Mermaid word : Little Maid.
Die Smurfies word : Die freedom-fighters.
Die Kabouters word : The Youth League.
Feetjieland word : Little Soweto.
In die Hemel
Sipho kom by di hemel en sien hy is ini moeligheit want alles is WIT.
Petrus vra vir Sipho: Wats jou naam?
Sipho dink vinnig en antwoord: Leonardo De Caprio !
Petrus lyk confused en roep vir Moses nader en vra hom:
" Moses, het die Titanic gebrand of gesink? "
Petrus vra vir Sipho: Wats jou naam?
Sipho dink vinnig en antwoord: Leonardo De Caprio !
Petrus lyk confused en roep vir Moses nader en vra hom:
" Moses, het die Titanic gebrand of gesink? "
Dapper
Dis wanneer 'n man laat by die huis kom, na bier en parfuum ruik, met lipstiffie op sy kraag sy vrou op haar boud slaan en sê:
"Jy's volgende, vetgat!"
"Jy's volgende, vetgat!"
Zimbabwean Virus
Subject: Zimbabwean Virus
Ectually, you hev jast received a Zimbabwean COMPUTA VIRAS on the e-male.
Sins we ah not so tekonologicli advansed in Zimbabwe, this one is a MANUAL viras.
Pleese dilete all the files on yo hahd disk yoself and send this male to everione yo no.
Thankyo very match fo helping me.
Yours,
Sipho The Zimbabwean computa hecker
Eye Problems
Sipho: "Boss, I have problems with my eyes. I cant be coming to work"
Boss: "Why, what's the matter?"
Sipho: "....eishh, I cant see myself working today!"
Boss: "Why, what's the matter?"
Sipho: "....eishh, I cant see myself working today!"
Three dead bodies
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. Along with them comes a police inspector to find out how they died.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning,hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Sipho,a street sweeper from Soweto, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning,hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Sipho,a street sweeper from Soweto, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.
Dead Cow
Sipho bought a cow from Bongani for R500 and asked him to deliver it the next day.The next day Bongani showed up at Sipho's doorstep . "
Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."
"OK", said Sipho, " Give me my money back". "Sorry, I have already spent it," said Bongani. "Eish!... Ok, bring me the dead cow".Said Sipho
The next morning, the carcass was delivered to Sipho.
A fortnight later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow. " Oh, I raffled it, and sold 251 tickets at R5 each and made a profit of R850.! I just didn't tell anybody that the cow was dead".
"But didn't people complain?" asked Bongani in amazement
"Only the guy who won, so I gave him his R5 back".
Sipho is now Minister of Finance.
Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."
"OK", said Sipho, " Give me my money back". "Sorry, I have already spent it," said Bongani. "Eish!... Ok, bring me the dead cow".Said Sipho
The next morning, the carcass was delivered to Sipho.
A fortnight later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow. " Oh, I raffled it, and sold 251 tickets at R5 each and made a profit of R850.! I just didn't tell anybody that the cow was dead".
"But didn't people complain?" asked Bongani in amazement
"Only the guy who won, so I gave him his R5 back".
Sipho is now Minister of Finance.
Death Row Injection
There was a German, an Italian and SIPHO on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in dze head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! he was dead.
Then it was SIPHO'S' turn , and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and SIPHO fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then SIPHO said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
Then SIPHO replied, "Eish you guys are so stupid ..... I'm wearing a condom."
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in dze head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! he was dead.
Then it was SIPHO'S' turn , and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and SIPHO fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then SIPHO said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
Then SIPHO replied, "Eish you guys are so stupid ..... I'm wearing a condom."
Quality is going down
This just goes to show the quality of criminals has definitely taken a nose-dive!
* Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the bank one day. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The would-be thief ran away and is still at large.
* A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
* A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled out a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?
* Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
* As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give the police a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told, "Stand there for a positive ID." To this instruction the man replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
* When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he had bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesperson said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
* A Newark woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
* The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
* Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.
Scared, they left the scene and drove home, with the chain still attached to the machine, with their bumper still attached to the chain, with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
* Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the bank one day. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The would-be thief ran away and is still at large.
* A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
* A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled out a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?
* Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
* As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give the police a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told, "Stand there for a positive ID." To this instruction the man replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
* When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he had bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesperson said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
* A Newark woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
* The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
* Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.
Scared, they left the scene and drove home, with the chain still attached to the machine, with their bumper still attached to the chain, with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Education in SA
The school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher. She says to the class: "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question."
The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a Bible question. He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho? "For a full minute, there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly.
Eventually, Sipho raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him.
Sipho stands up and replies, "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn't me".
The inspector is shocked at the answer and looks wide-eyed at the teacher for an explanation. Realising that he is perturbed, the teacher says, "Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year,and I believe that if he says he didn't do it, then he didn't do it".
The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tell him what had happened, to which the principal replies, "I don't know the boy, but I socialize with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent. The inspector can't believe what he is hearing.
He grabs the phone and in a rage dials the Minister of Education's telephone number and rattles the entire occurrence to him and asks what he thinks of the education standard in S.A. The Minister sighs heavily and replies,
"I don't know the boy, the teacher, nor the principal, but just get three quotes and have the damn wall fixed!"
The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a Bible question. He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho? "For a full minute, there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly.
Eventually, Sipho raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him.
Sipho stands up and replies, "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn't me".
The inspector is shocked at the answer and looks wide-eyed at the teacher for an explanation. Realising that he is perturbed, the teacher says, "Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year,and I believe that if he says he didn't do it, then he didn't do it".
The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tell him what had happened, to which the principal replies, "I don't know the boy, but I socialize with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent. The inspector can't believe what he is hearing.
He grabs the phone and in a rage dials the Minister of Education's telephone number and rattles the entire occurrence to him and asks what he thinks of the education standard in S.A. The Minister sighs heavily and replies,
"I don't know the boy, the teacher, nor the principal, but just get three quotes and have the damn wall fixed!"
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Cannibals
A large company recently hired several cannibals as it was expanding quickly and couldn't find enough British staff.
"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "No".
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But , NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"
"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads "No".
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But , NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"
Blond Bet
Jack, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news came on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news came on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money
HOW MEN AND WOMEN DIFFER
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in R50, even though it's only for R115.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay R2 for a R1 item he needs. A woman will pay R1 for a R2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Dischem. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret-fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
What a woman says:
C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean.Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.
What a man hears:
C'MON .... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in R50, even though it's only for R115.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay R2 for a R1 item he needs. A woman will pay R1 for a R2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Dischem. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret-fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
What a woman says:
C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean.Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.
What a man hears:
C'MON .... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman,she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman,she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......
Your Driver's License Tells It All
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the li ttle girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
"Mommy," the li ttle girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
South African Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity. He goes to German Hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".
The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russian Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.
Then he comes to the South African Hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The South African devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day. "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are there so many people waiting to get in?" he asks.
"Because Eskom is struggling and is powerless, there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And, on top of that, the South African devil is a government employee, he wont come to work till he gets his 12% increase, which of cause will never happen!
The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russian Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.
Then he comes to the South African Hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The South African devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day. "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are there so many people waiting to get in?" he asks.
"Because Eskom is struggling and is powerless, there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And, on top of that, the South African devil is a government employee, he wont come to work till he gets his 12% increase, which of cause will never happen!
Gamat
Gamat sit op die pavement en bepeins sy lot.
Hy't sy werk verloor, syvrou het die kinders gevat en hom geskei.
Hy sien 'n kas met wynbottels en loop soontoe.
Hy vat 'n lee bottel,smyt dit teen die muur en skel: "Djy issie reason lat ekkie 'n vrou hettie!"
Hy vat 'n tweede bottel: "Djy issie reason lat ekkie kinners hettie!"
Derde bottel: "Djy issie reason lat ekkie 'n job hettie!"
Hy vat die vierde bottel en sien dis nog nie oopgemaak nie - vol wyn.
Hy sit die bottel neer en sê: "Staan djy eenkant toe, my broe. Ek siendjy wassie involved nie"
Hy't sy werk verloor, syvrou het die kinders gevat en hom geskei.
Hy sien 'n kas met wynbottels en loop soontoe.
Hy vat 'n lee bottel,smyt dit teen die muur en skel: "Djy issie reason lat ekkie 'n vrou hettie!"
Hy vat 'n tweede bottel: "Djy issie reason lat ekkie kinners hettie!"
Derde bottel: "Djy issie reason lat ekkie 'n job hettie!"
Hy vat die vierde bottel en sien dis nog nie oopgemaak nie - vol wyn.
Hy sit die bottel neer en sê: "Staan djy eenkant toe, my broe. Ek siendjy wassie involved nie"
Good bye
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like thething to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed andlistened to her prayers which went like this:"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma"
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy. "
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end ofthe day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst dayof my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe whathappened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like thething to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed andlistened to her prayers which went like this:"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma"
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy. "
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end ofthe day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst dayof my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe whathappened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
Help 'n bietjie
'n Man en sy vrou word wakker gemaak 3:00 uur in die oggend deur 'n harde geklop aan die deur.
Die man staan op en gaan maak die deur oop waar 'n dronkie in die gietende reen staan.
Die ou dronkie se hy het iemand nodig om hom te help stoot.
"Dit sal die dag wees,daar is nie 'n manier nie." Se die man.
"Dit is drie uur in die oggend." En hy slaan die deur toe en gaan terug bed toe.
"Wie was dit?" vra sy vrou.
"Net 'n vreeslike dronk man wat iemand soek om hom te help stoot." Antwoord hy.
"Het jy hom gehelp?" vra sy.
"Nee, dit is drie uur, en dit sous daar buite!"
Wel jy het 'n kort geheue," se sy...
"Onthou jy drie maande terug toe ons kar gebreek het en daai twee ouens ons gehelp het ?
Ek dink jy moet hierdie ou ook help en jy behoort jou te skaam."
Die man besef sy vrou is seker reg en trek toe maar aan.
Hy gaan uit in die gietende reen en roep uit,
"Hallo, is jy nog daar?"
"Ja." kom die antwoord terug.
"Het jy nog iemand nodig om jou te stoot?" vra hy.
"Ja, asseblief." Kom die antwoord uit die donkerte.
"Waar is jy?" vra die man.
"Hier op die swing." antwoord die dronkie.
Die man staan op en gaan maak die deur oop waar 'n dronkie in die gietende reen staan.
Die ou dronkie se hy het iemand nodig om hom te help stoot.
"Dit sal die dag wees,daar is nie 'n manier nie." Se die man.
"Dit is drie uur in die oggend." En hy slaan die deur toe en gaan terug bed toe.
"Wie was dit?" vra sy vrou.
"Net 'n vreeslike dronk man wat iemand soek om hom te help stoot." Antwoord hy.
"Het jy hom gehelp?" vra sy.
"Nee, dit is drie uur, en dit sous daar buite!"
Wel jy het 'n kort geheue," se sy...
"Onthou jy drie maande terug toe ons kar gebreek het en daai twee ouens ons gehelp het ?
Ek dink jy moet hierdie ou ook help en jy behoort jou te skaam."
Die man besef sy vrou is seker reg en trek toe maar aan.
Hy gaan uit in die gietende reen en roep uit,
"Hallo, is jy nog daar?"
"Ja." kom die antwoord terug.
"Het jy nog iemand nodig om jou te stoot?" vra hy.
"Ja, asseblief." Kom die antwoord uit die donkerte.
"Waar is jy?" vra die man.
"Hier op die swing." antwoord die dronkie.
An Boertjie from Pretoria
An Afrikaner from Pretoria phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
"R85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"Blikskottel, R85!!! Didn't you got anyfink cheaper ?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"What about if you jus didn't can like to use any anesthetic?" "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock R15 off. "What about if you just use one of your dentist trainees and still wiffout an anesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to R40".
"How about if you makes it a trainin' session, and one of your students can like to do the extraction wiff the other students watching and learning?"
"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you R5."
"Now you talking broer! It's a deal," said the Afrikaaner. "Can you confirm an appointment for my wife next Tuesday then?"
"R85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"Blikskottel, R85!!! Didn't you got anyfink cheaper ?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"What about if you jus didn't can like to use any anesthetic?" "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock R15 off. "What about if you just use one of your dentist trainees and still wiffout an anesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to R40".
"How about if you makes it a trainin' session, and one of your students can like to do the extraction wiff the other students watching and learning?"
"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you R5."
"Now you talking broer! It's a deal," said the Afrikaaner. "Can you confirm an appointment for my wife next Tuesday then?"
Laws Of The Natural Universe
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Forgot to invite you to my home
I apologize for not inviting u on Sunday
But we do this often ... so next time hey...
But we do this often ... so next time hey...
In The 1500's
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables a nd did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables a nd did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.
The Hottest, Most Dumbest Blonde Joke Ever
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
Economic Models explained with cows - 2007 update
Economic Models explained with cows - 2007 update
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
A true South African ghost story
A man was hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.
The night was rolling by and there was hardly a car on the road. The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him. Suddenly a car came towards him and stopped.
Without thinking, he got in and closed the door,just to realize that therewas nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road.
Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Justbefore hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. The man, now paralysed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing everytime they got to a curve.
Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights hecould see. Wet and in shock, he went into a shabeen and asked for a double brandy. After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying.
About half an hour later, two men came walking into the shabeen and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other,"Mfowetu, isn't that the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing ..?'
The night was rolling by and there was hardly a car on the road. The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him. Suddenly a car came towards him and stopped.
Without thinking, he got in and closed the door,just to realize that therewas nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road.
Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Justbefore hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel. The man, now paralysed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing everytime they got to a curve.
Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights hecould see. Wet and in shock, he went into a shabeen and asked for a double brandy. After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying.
About half an hour later, two men came walking into the shabeen and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other,"Mfowetu, isn't that the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing ..?'
.JPG)
Auk daai vark
Jonas kom histeries met die trekker by die plaashuis aan :
"Oubaas !!...ek kom nou da by die hek by die grootpad........... toe spring 'n vark voor my in....en ek ry oor hom ,............... nou's da groot moeligheid!
"Ag nooit Jonas" sê die boer "Vat hierdie geweer en gaan skiet die blerrie vark..... maar sleep hom by die hek in.... op die plaas, agter die bos....ons gaan haal hom vanaand.
Jonas is weg en kom terug :
" Jonas het so gemaak my kroon.... ma wat nou ?...die blou lig op die motorbike hy draai nog !!!
"Oubaas !!...ek kom nou da by die hek by die grootpad........... toe spring 'n vark voor my in....en ek ry oor hom ,............... nou's da groot moeligheid!
"Ag nooit Jonas" sê die boer "Vat hierdie geweer en gaan skiet die blerrie vark..... maar sleep hom by die hek in.... op die plaas, agter die bos....ons gaan haal hom vanaand.
Jonas is weg en kom terug :
" Jonas het so gemaak my kroon.... ma wat nou ?...die blou lig op die motorbike hy draai nog !!!
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (isn't he ready for the world of dating?)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this:
If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED ?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
Yes, I said for LEXOPHILES ,not pedophiles!
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead give away.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12 A grenade fell on to a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budg et.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of defeet.
Note: No trees were killed in the posting of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead give away.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12 A grenade fell on to a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budg et.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of defeet.
Note: No trees were killed in the posting of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced
Benoni Security system
How to install a Benoni security system:
1) Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair.
2) Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of "Guns and Ammo"magazine.
3) Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish.
4) Leave a note on your front door that says: "Jan, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammo - back in an hour. Leave the Pit bulls alone, they're real angry since they've just been castrated.
1) Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair.
2) Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of "Guns and Ammo"magazine.
3) Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish.
4) Leave a note on your front door that says: "Jan, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammo - back in an hour. Leave the Pit bulls alone, they're real angry since they've just been castrated.
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George Bush
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?" "
I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right --- question time.
Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "
And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And fifth, what the hell happened to Billy?"
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?" "
I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right --- question time.
Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "
And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And fifth, what the hell happened to Billy?"
LETTER TO TRUWORTHS
LETTER TO TRUWORTHS FROM SIPHO
Next time you get a letter to pay your debts from your creditor's, be sure to remember Sipho's letter.
LETTER TO TRUWORTHS
Dear Sir/Madam
I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 1 May in which for the third time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to reimburse you as soon as possible. However, I bring to your attention that I have many more creditors, quite as honourable as you, and whom I wish to reimburse too.
That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly whom I hasten to refund immediately. I hope that yours will come out shortly.
Sincerely Yours,
Sipho
PS: I have great regret in informing you that given the unceremonious tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws.
Next time you get a letter to pay your debts from your creditor's, be sure to remember Sipho's letter.
LETTER TO TRUWORTHS
Dear Sir/Madam
I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 1 May in which for the third time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to reimburse you as soon as possible. However, I bring to your attention that I have many more creditors, quite as honourable as you, and whom I wish to reimburse too.
That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly whom I hasten to refund immediately. I hope that yours will come out shortly.
Sincerely Yours,
Sipho
PS: I have great regret in informing you that given the unceremonious tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws.
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