Mother of All Bombs
This is the US Air Force's new 21,000 pound MOAB --- the "Mother of All Bombs".
It is an upgrade of the 15,000 pound "Daisy cutter" which was used in Afghanistan. It is rumored that the USAF is planning to drop the MOAB on Tehran, Iran.
It is an upgrade of the 15,000 pound "Daisy cutter" which was used in Afghanistan. It is rumored that the USAF is planning to drop the MOAB on Tehran, Iran.
From the looks of it, if you get hit with this --- you haven't got a prayer!
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Boering in the New SA
A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old Afrikaans farmer.
He told the farmer, 'I need to inspectyour farm.'The old Afrikaner said, 'OK Boet, but doesn't goes in by that field over there.'
The Agriculture representative said, 'Hey wena ama-boer, I have the authority of the Gavament with me. See this card?
The card means I a mallowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you unnastand , vorstaan djy ?'
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep runningfor the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the wide eyed Agriculture Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer put down his tools,walked to the fence and shouted .....
'Your card! Your card, Boet! Shows him your card!'
He told the farmer, 'I need to inspectyour farm.'The old Afrikaner said, 'OK Boet, but doesn't goes in by that field over there.'
The Agriculture representative said, 'Hey wena ama-boer, I have the authority of the Gavament with me. See this card?
The card means I a mallowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you unnastand , vorstaan djy ?'
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep runningfor the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the wide eyed Agriculture Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer put down his tools,walked to the fence and shouted .....
'Your card! Your card, Boet! Shows him your card!'
Nog 'n blonde enetjie
Blond huil vreeslik tydens die geboorte van haar tweeling. Dr vra verbaas "hoekom huil jy so vreeslik, jy het dan nounet 'n tweeling ryker geraak?"
"Ja", sê sy, "maar ek weet nie wie die pa van die tweede een is nie "
"Ja", sê sy, "maar ek weet nie wie die pa van die tweede een is nie "
Letter to the Bank
The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
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To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client,
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To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client,
Banks are in trouble
SSShhhhhhhhh..... don't tell anyone. .
I think Nedbank, Standard Bank and FNB are in financial trouble ......................
Yesterday I tried to withdraw money at all their ATM's, and I got the same message -
"Insufficient Funds"
I think Nedbank, Standard Bank and FNB are in financial trouble ......................
Yesterday I tried to withdraw money at all their ATM's, and I got the same message -
"Insufficient Funds"
Outwitting a Lawyer
A lawyer's dog runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Definitely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
The lawyer answers, "Definitely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
Bongani
TEACHER: Why are you late?
BONGANI: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
BONGANI: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: Bongani, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BONGANI: You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
BONGANI: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
BONGANI: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: Bongani, go to the map and find North America .
BONGANI: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: BONGANI!
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TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
BONGANI: Don't bite any.-
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TEACHER: Bongani, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BONGANI: I is...
TEACHER: No, Bongani. Always say, "I am."
BONGANI: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
BONGANI: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day,same time."
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TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his fatherdidn't punish him?"
BONGANI: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
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TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one isgreen and one is blue with red spots!
BONGANI: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just likethat at home.
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TEACHER: Bongani, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the
same as your brother's Did you copy his?
BONGANI: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking whenpeople are no longer interested?
BONGANI: A teacher
BONGANI: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
BONGANI: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: Bongani, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BONGANI: You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
BONGANI: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
BONGANI: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: Bongani, go to the map and find North America .
BONGANI: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: BONGANI!
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TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
BONGANI: Don't bite any.-
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TEACHER: Bongani, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BONGANI: I is...
TEACHER: No, Bongani. Always say, "I am."
BONGANI: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
BONGANI: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day,same time."
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TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his fatherdidn't punish him?"
BONGANI: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
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TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one isgreen and one is blue with red spots!
BONGANI: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just likethat at home.
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TEACHER: Bongani, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the
same as your brother's Did you copy his?
BONGANI: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking whenpeople are no longer interested?
BONGANI: A teacher
Doctor
Doctor
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained.
He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained.
He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
Class Assignment
Class Assignment
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.
Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began.
"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?"
"He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.
Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began.
"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?"
"He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
Silver anniversary
Silver Anniversary
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
Blondes again...
Blonde and Cop
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Dumb Blonde
A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her."How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
Blondes in Texas
Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking. One blonde says to the other . . . "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon???" The other blonde turns and says . . . Helloooo!!! Can you see Florida?"
Q: If a blonde and a brunette fell off of a building, who would hit the ground first?A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.Q: What do you call twenty blondes in a freezer?A: Frosted Flakes.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?A: A Space Invader.
Blonde and TV salesman
A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." She replied, "I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Dumb Blonde
A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her."How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
Blondes in Texas
Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking. One blonde says to the other . . . "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon???" The other blonde turns and says . . . Helloooo!!! Can you see Florida?"
Q: If a blonde and a brunette fell off of a building, who would hit the ground first?A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.Q: What do you call twenty blondes in a freezer?A: Frosted Flakes.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?A: A Space Invader.
Blonde and TV salesman
A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." She replied, "I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave."
Cell phone and Blonde
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited - she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi Hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?" She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. There's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
Young Bride
Young Bride
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?
"With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?
"With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
More Blond jokes
Blonde and thermos
A blonde goes to work and sees that one of her co-workers has a thermos. She asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, ''It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold'' The blonde was amazed and when she got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day she goes to work and is proud that she has this wonderful object. The same co-worker realizes she has a thermos and says, ''What do you have in it?'' she says, ''Soup, and ice cream!'
Blonde & Gun
A blonde sees her boyfriend cheating on her, so she goes home, pulls out a gun, and decides to shoot herself. But, before she can, her boyfriend walks in. "No! Don't do it!" He shouts. The blonde yells "Shut up, you're next.
I drank too much last night.
There was this blonde who woke up one morning not remembering what happened the night before. She went into the kitchen to ask her mother. Her mother replied, "You went to the the bar last night with your father. I must have been asleep when you came home. Go ask your father."She went into the living room to see what her father would say. He answered, "You got very drunk last night. I am very disappointed in you! I'm surprised that your not hungover!"The blonde questioned, "Are you SURE? I can't remember a thing!"
A blonde was having financial difficulties and decides that she has to take some serious action, so she goes to the park and kidnaps a young boy and writes a ransom note, "I have kidnapped your son. Leave $10,000 behind the old elm tree and your son will come to no harm", she pins the note inside the boys jacket and sends him home.Next day sure enough there was $10,000 behind the tree and with it a note saying, "I cant believe one blonde would do this to another blonde".
Blonde on a Computer
Q. How can you tell a blonde has been working at a computer?A. There is white out all over the screen.
A blonde goes to work and sees that one of her co-workers has a thermos. She asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, ''It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold'' The blonde was amazed and when she got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day she goes to work and is proud that she has this wonderful object. The same co-worker realizes she has a thermos and says, ''What do you have in it?'' she says, ''Soup, and ice cream!'
Blonde & Gun
A blonde sees her boyfriend cheating on her, so she goes home, pulls out a gun, and decides to shoot herself. But, before she can, her boyfriend walks in. "No! Don't do it!" He shouts. The blonde yells "Shut up, you're next.
I drank too much last night.
There was this blonde who woke up one morning not remembering what happened the night before. She went into the kitchen to ask her mother. Her mother replied, "You went to the the bar last night with your father. I must have been asleep when you came home. Go ask your father."She went into the living room to see what her father would say. He answered, "You got very drunk last night. I am very disappointed in you! I'm surprised that your not hungover!"The blonde questioned, "Are you SURE? I can't remember a thing!"
A blonde was having financial difficulties and decides that she has to take some serious action, so she goes to the park and kidnaps a young boy and writes a ransom note, "I have kidnapped your son. Leave $10,000 behind the old elm tree and your son will come to no harm", she pins the note inside the boys jacket and sends him home.Next day sure enough there was $10,000 behind the tree and with it a note saying, "I cant believe one blonde would do this to another blonde".
Blonde on a Computer
Q. How can you tell a blonde has been working at a computer?A. There is white out all over the screen.
The hormone hostage treatment guide
13 Things PMS Stands For:1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pathetic Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff and my favourite one ...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"
"You'll what?" I said "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 3 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew. NOW, I feel better.
Anger management really works .
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"
"You'll what?" I said "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 3 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew. NOW, I feel better.
Anger management really works .
Killers
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly Supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly Dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them Proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become Violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly Supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly Dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them Proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become Violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Party dinge kan net in Afrikaans gesê word...
Oop bek soos n gaar vis!
Sy het so baie plooie, sy skroef haar hoed op!
Hy is so maer, hy lyk soos 'n potlood met 'n handbriek.
Ek is nou so opgewonde soos 'n budgie op steroids !
Ek was gisteraand so dronk, toe ek vanoggend wakker word hang ek oor die stoel en my klere lê in die bed.
Ek is nou so lus vir ìn Rennie ek eet sommer 'n pastei.
Jy's so skeel jy kyk jouself diep in die oë!
Van sit of staan bly lê die lekkerste.
Hy ìs so kort hy weet nie of dit keelseer of aambeie is nie.
Hy ìs so kort hy slaan tot sy onderbroek se pype om.
Hy is so maer, as hy langs 'n wit muur loop lyk dit soos 'n kraak wat beweeg!
Hy is so skelm, hy bid onder 'n skuilnaam.
Ek gaan jou klap dat jy lus kry vir niks.
Ek sit nou so lekker ek staan sommer op en sit weer.
"Lang gesig soos 'n bok wat afdraand vreet."
"Drank los nie probleme op nie, maar so ook nie melk of water nie."
"Ek voel nou so goed, ek vul sommer die lottonommers verkeerd in."
"Ek is nou so lui ek trou sommer 'n pregnant vrou."
"Ondervinding is iets wat jy eers kry nadat jy dit nodig het."
"Almal kry die voorreg om onnosel te wees, net jammer party maak misbruik daarvan."
"Ek is so kwaad, ek soen sommer 'n pofadder oopbek"
"My vrou is so lelik, as sy op die sand sit wil die katte haar toekrap.."
"Arende vlieg dalk hoog, maar ons muishonde word nooit deur 'n vliegtuigmotor ingesuig nie."
"Die mens is op aarde geplaas om 'n sekere hoeveelheid werk te doen. Op die oomblik is ek so ver agter ek sal nooit dood gaan nie."
"Ons kannie almal helde wees nie, iemand moet langs die pad staan en hande klap."
"Ek haat mense wat honde aanhou. Hulle is 'n klomp sissies wat nie genoeg guts het om iemand self te byt nie."
"Ek glo dat as iets die moeite werd was om te doen, dan sou iemand anders dit lankal gedoen het."
"Jy mag nooit meer as jou yskas weeg nie!"
"As jy vir jouself kan lag dan het jy altyd iets om oor te lag."
"As jy lyk soos jou paspoort-foto, dan het jy 'n reis nodig . "
Sy het so baie plooie, sy skroef haar hoed op!
Hy is so maer, hy lyk soos 'n potlood met 'n handbriek.
Ek is nou so opgewonde soos 'n budgie op steroids !
Ek was gisteraand so dronk, toe ek vanoggend wakker word hang ek oor die stoel en my klere lê in die bed.
Ek is nou so lus vir ìn Rennie ek eet sommer 'n pastei.
Jy's so skeel jy kyk jouself diep in die oë!
Van sit of staan bly lê die lekkerste.
Hy ìs so kort hy weet nie of dit keelseer of aambeie is nie.
Hy ìs so kort hy slaan tot sy onderbroek se pype om.
Hy is so maer, as hy langs 'n wit muur loop lyk dit soos 'n kraak wat beweeg!
Hy is so skelm, hy bid onder 'n skuilnaam.
Ek gaan jou klap dat jy lus kry vir niks.
Ek sit nou so lekker ek staan sommer op en sit weer.
"Lang gesig soos 'n bok wat afdraand vreet."
"Drank los nie probleme op nie, maar so ook nie melk of water nie."
"Ek voel nou so goed, ek vul sommer die lottonommers verkeerd in."
"Ek is nou so lui ek trou sommer 'n pregnant vrou."
"Ondervinding is iets wat jy eers kry nadat jy dit nodig het."
"Almal kry die voorreg om onnosel te wees, net jammer party maak misbruik daarvan."
"Ek is so kwaad, ek soen sommer 'n pofadder oopbek"
"My vrou is so lelik, as sy op die sand sit wil die katte haar toekrap.."
"Arende vlieg dalk hoog, maar ons muishonde word nooit deur 'n vliegtuigmotor ingesuig nie."
"Die mens is op aarde geplaas om 'n sekere hoeveelheid werk te doen. Op die oomblik is ek so ver agter ek sal nooit dood gaan nie."
"Ons kannie almal helde wees nie, iemand moet langs die pad staan en hande klap."
"Ek haat mense wat honde aanhou. Hulle is 'n klomp sissies wat nie genoeg guts het om iemand self te byt nie."
"Ek glo dat as iets die moeite werd was om te doen, dan sou iemand anders dit lankal gedoen het."
"Jy mag nooit meer as jou yskas weeg nie!"
"As jy vir jouself kan lag dan het jy altyd iets om oor te lag."
"As jy lyk soos jou paspoort-foto, dan het jy 'n reis nodig . "
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