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Doctors vs. Gun owners
Doctors (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is
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Tanne
Koos vat sy gesin Kaap toe vir 'n vakansie. Jannie speel op die strand en maak maatjies met 'n kleurlingetjie.
Na hulle 'n rukkie gespeel het sê Jannie vir sy maatjie: "Jy's seker 'n local, want ek sien jou voortanne is weg."
Die maatjie sien Jannie se draadjies en sê vir hom "En djy's seker van Gauteng".
"Hoe't jy geweet?", vra Jannie.
"Want ek sien djy het burglar bars op djou tanne!"
New scientific phenomenon puzzling ESKOM
JOHANNESBURG. Some weeks after announcing that loadshedding would be halted, Eskom says an unexpected change in the Earth's axis has plunged the country into a time of cold and darkness, prompting possible future power cuts. The phenomenon, identified by scientists as "winter", has reportedly caused widespread panic at the utility.
Addressing journalists at Eskom's Megawatt Park headquarters this morning, spokesman Eddie Motsepe apologised to consumers in advance for possible power outages, but said that the dramatic shift in the planet's rotational alignment could not have been foreseen by the power provider.
"We are as confused and frightened as our consumers," he said. "At this time all we know is that Earth has tilted over, and as such the southern hemisphere is no longer being struck by the full force of the sun's rays."
He said Eskom officials had confirmed that this phenomenon was known to the science community, and that it was called "winter".
"We phoned the Geography department at the University of the Witwatersrand, and they told us," he said.
He said he did not know whether or not "winter" would be permanent, but said the utility was preparing for the worst.
"We have implemented emergency procedures," he said. "Mainly we are increasing executive bonuses, and installing fireplaces and humidors in all the offices on the top floor."
Asked if "winter" was likely to derail Eskom's supply of power to the controversial Coega aluminium smelter in the Eastern Cape, Motsepe said that the issue was being discussed and that the company's top executives were "very positive".
"They spoke about it this morning, and they feel strongly that if the world is tipping over, as seems to be the case, it is probably best that we have heavy things like aluminium smelters down here in Africa, where we can maybe stabilize the planet."
He added that too much had been invested in the Alcan smelter to pull the plug now.
"In the first year alone the smelter is likely to create almost 19 jobs, at a cost to the South African taxpayer of around R150 million per job. Those are big numbers. Big numbers are good.
"Furthermore, if we get the go-ahead from the Presidency to divert most of Port Elizabeth's power to the smelter, we're pretty confident that it can produce enough A-grade aluminium to manufacture 21 cans of pilchards … 16 if you want cans that won't buckle under the weight of the pilchards."
Huweliks raad
Vrou: "Dokter, ek het niks van my 15 jaar huwelik nie"........
en sy vertel van haar man se swakhede, geen liefde of aanraking of komplimente nie.
Na 15 minute vra die Raadgewer haar om na hom toe agter die tafel te kom.
Hy druk haar styf teen hom vas, soen haar in die nek en op die mond. Die vrou gaan heeltemal in 'n trans, en die dokter sê vir die man:
"Dit is wat jou vrou nodig het, drie maal per week. Kan jy dit doen?"
Man: "Wel dokter, ek kan haar Maandae en Woensdae hier aflaai, maar Vrydae speel ek golf."
Blonde jokes
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT T HE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON T HE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, T HE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
" HE LLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
Dopwegslaan speletjie
Hier's my dopwegslaan speletjie. Gewaarborg om jou stukkend-dronk-beskonke te kry binne 30 minute. Al wat jy benodig is grondboontjies, Strohrum,
verskeie ander doppe en SABC nuus (DSTV is opsioneel). Gooi jou dop in 'n glasie.
Skakel jou ma se TV aan op enige SABC nuus kanaal of Parlement Live (op die skottel). Programme soos Felicia sal ook werk en toesprake deur Zuma,
Buthelezi en Tutu is by uitstek Spietsj-materiaal.
Jou lewer se lot is in die toesprake van ons plaaslike politici. Jy kan kloksgewys speel as julle meer as drie is, maar die spel is ewe lekker as jy alleen speel.
Luister aandagtig - terwyl jy nog kan - na hul woorde en straf jouself met 'n sopie elke keer as jy die volgende hoor:
eisj = enkel sopie
in fêct = dubbel sopie
êktualee = dubbel sopie
ôkêê = 1 handvol grondboontjies
amandla = sing een versie van O Ryperd.
brathars, siestars, comraydes = skoon brannas (4 vingers)
Crime? Hau, what crime? = gorrel een mondvol strohrum vir 5 sekondes spoeg uit.
da previas regime = gorrel een mondvol strohrum vir 5 sekondes en sluk.
oua ancestars = drink almal se dop.
Indien daar enige gapings in sinne is waarin die spreker langer as 5 sekondes huiwer = drink die speler links van jou se dop.
Jy mag in jou beurt iemand nomineer om enige deel van hierdie toesprake te verduidelik. As hulle slaag, drink jy. As hulle faal, drink hulle = een
doppie strohrum en een grondboontjie.
Na elke ronde moet alle deelnemers die volgende kan uitspreek in foutlose suiwer Engels: 'I can't remember a thing but I didn't drink!'
Lekker speel.
MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
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Dankie
Dankie aan almal wat epos aan my gestuur het die afgelope jaar.....
Ek moet die een wat my daai ding oor die rottepoef op die gom van koeverte gestuur het, bedank aangesien ek nou 'n nat lappie gebruik om elke koevert nat te maak.
Ek vryf nou ook die bokant van elke blik deeglik blink voor ek dit oopmaak om dieselfde rede.
Ek het nie meer enige spaargeld oor nie want ek het dit vir 'n siek meisie (Pennie Ferreira) gegee; wat nou al vir die 1 345 keer op sterwe in die hospitaal lê.
Ek het nie meer geld nie, maar dit gaan alles verander as ek daai R20 000 kry wat Bill Gates/Microsoft my gaan stuur omdat aan hulle epos veldtog deelgeneem het.....
of as daardie Nigeriese bankbestuurder wat skatryk geërf het daai R7 miljoen met my gaan deel sodra hy die geld kan kry om die fondse vry te stel.
Verder is ek nie meer bekommerd oor my sieleheil nie want ek het 200 472 engeltjies wat my oppas en moeder Maria gaan al my wense waar maak.
Ek gebruik nie meer kankerwekkende reukweerders nie al ruik ek soos 'n vlakvark in 'n moddergat op 'n warm dag.
Danksy julle, het ek geleer dat my gebede slegs verhoor word as ek 'n epos aan sewe van my vriende stuur en binne vyf minute 'n wens, wens.
As gevolg van julle besorgdheid drink ek nie meer Coca-Cola nie omdat dit toiletvlekke kan verwyder en ontplof as jy dit met mentos meng.
Ek gaan ook nie meer vulstasie toe sonder om iemand saam te neem om seker te maak dat 'n reeksmoordenaar nie agter in my agtersitplek in kruip terwyl ek nie kyk nie.
Ek gaan ook nie meer winkelsentrums toe nie want ek is bang iemand bedwelm my met 'n spesiale parfuum en beroof my.
Ek antwoord ook nie meer my telefoon nie want ek is bang iemand gaan my vra om 'n nommer te bel wat my sal deurskakel na Jamaika , Uganda , Singapoer of Uzbekistan .
Danksy julle gebruik ek ook niemand se toilet behalwe my eie nie want daar kan 'n groot uitheemse spinnekop daar skuil wat my vleis kan laat verrot en my 'n pynlike dood laat sterf as dit my byt.
As julle nie die epos aan ten minste 144 000 mense binne die volgende 70 minute aanstuur nie, sal 'n groot duif met diarree op jou kop beland teen 5 uur vanmiddag en die vlooie van 12 brandsiekbrakke sal jou besmet en veroorsaak dat jy 'n harige boggel op jou rug kry.
Ek weet dit sal gebeur want dit het inderwaarheid met 'n vriend van my buurman se vorige skoonma se tweede man se niggie se haarkapper gebeur!
En terloops...'n Suid-Amerikaanse wetenskaplike het tydens 'n uitvoerige studie bevind dat mense met 'n lae IK en wat baie ongereeld seks het, lees altyd hulle epos met hulle hande op die muis.
Moenie moeite doen om dit nou af te haal nie, dis te laat!!! (hie-hie)
What I Want in a Man
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 36)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Wants to talk to me.
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Has at least one shirt with the arms cut out
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Loves to go for drives
10. Seeks romance at least 3 times a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7 . Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Mugabe en die Bulle
Gehoor Mugabe gaan nou die Blou Bulle afrig…………. dan hoef hulle nie hul
telling bekend te maak na die wedstryd nie!!
The Blind Man
An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church."Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply. The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them.
They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"
