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Boering in the New SA
A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old Afrikaans farmer.
He told the farmer, 'I need to inspectyour farm.'The old Afrikaner said, 'OK Boet, but doesn't goes in by that field over there.'
The Agriculture representative said, 'Hey wena ama-boer, I have the authority of the Gavament with me. See this card?
The card means I a mallowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you unnastand , vorstaan djy ?'
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep runningfor the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the wide eyed Agriculture Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer put down his tools,walked to the fence and shouted .....
'Your card! Your card, Boet! Shows him your card!'
He told the farmer, 'I need to inspectyour farm.'The old Afrikaner said, 'OK Boet, but doesn't goes in by that field over there.'
The Agriculture representative said, 'Hey wena ama-boer, I have the authority of the Gavament with me. See this card?
The card means I a mallowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you unnastand , vorstaan djy ?'
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep runningfor the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.
The bull was gaining on the wide eyed Agriculture Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer put down his tools,walked to the fence and shouted .....
'Your card! Your card, Boet! Shows him your card!'
Nog 'n blonde enetjie
Blond huil vreeslik tydens die geboorte van haar tweeling. Dr vra verbaas "hoekom huil jy so vreeslik, jy het dan nounet 'n tweeling ryker geraak?"
"Ja", sê sy, "maar ek weet nie wie die pa van die tweede een is nie "
"Ja", sê sy, "maar ek weet nie wie die pa van die tweede een is nie "
Letter to the Bank
The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
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To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client,
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To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client,
Banks are in trouble
SSShhhhhhhhh..... don't tell anyone. .
I think Nedbank, Standard Bank and FNB are in financial trouble ......................
Yesterday I tried to withdraw money at all their ATM's, and I got the same message -
"Insufficient Funds"
I think Nedbank, Standard Bank and FNB are in financial trouble ......................
Yesterday I tried to withdraw money at all their ATM's, and I got the same message -
"Insufficient Funds"
Outwitting a Lawyer
A lawyer's dog runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Definitely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
The lawyer answers, "Definitely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
Bongani
TEACHER: Why are you late?
BONGANI: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
BONGANI: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: Bongani, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BONGANI: You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
BONGANI: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
BONGANI: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: Bongani, go to the map and find North America .
BONGANI: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: BONGANI!
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TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
BONGANI: Don't bite any.-
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TEACHER: Bongani, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BONGANI: I is...
TEACHER: No, Bongani. Always say, "I am."
BONGANI: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
BONGANI: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day,same time."
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TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his fatherdidn't punish him?"
BONGANI: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
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TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one isgreen and one is blue with red spots!
BONGANI: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just likethat at home.
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TEACHER: Bongani, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the
same as your brother's Did you copy his?
BONGANI: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking whenpeople are no longer interested?
BONGANI: A teacher
BONGANI: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
BONGANI: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: Bongani, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BONGANI: You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
BONGANI: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
BONGANI: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: Bongani, go to the map and find North America .
BONGANI: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: BONGANI!
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TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
BONGANI: Don't bite any.-
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TEACHER: Bongani, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BONGANI: I is...
TEACHER: No, Bongani. Always say, "I am."
BONGANI: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
BONGANI: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day,same time."
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TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his fatherdidn't punish him?"
BONGANI: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
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TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one isgreen and one is blue with red spots!
BONGANI: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just likethat at home.
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TEACHER: Bongani, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the
same as your brother's Did you copy his?
BONGANI: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking whenpeople are no longer interested?
BONGANI: A teacher
Doctor
Doctor
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained.
He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained.
He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
Class Assignment
Class Assignment
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.
Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began.
"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?"
"He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.
Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began.
"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?"
"He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
Silver anniversary
Silver Anniversary
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
Blondes again...
Blonde and Cop
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Dumb Blonde
A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her."How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
Blondes in Texas
Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking. One blonde says to the other . . . "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon???" The other blonde turns and says . . . Helloooo!!! Can you see Florida?"
Q: If a blonde and a brunette fell off of a building, who would hit the ground first?A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.Q: What do you call twenty blondes in a freezer?A: Frosted Flakes.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?A: A Space Invader.
Blonde and TV salesman
A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." She replied, "I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Dumb Blonde
A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her."How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
Blondes in Texas
Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking. One blonde says to the other . . . "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon???" The other blonde turns and says . . . Helloooo!!! Can you see Florida?"
Q: If a blonde and a brunette fell off of a building, who would hit the ground first?A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.Q: What do you call twenty blondes in a freezer?A: Frosted Flakes.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?A: A Space Invader.
Blonde and TV salesman
A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." She replied, "I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave."
Cell phone and Blonde
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited - she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi Hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?" She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. There's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
Young Bride
Young Bride
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?
"With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?
"With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
More Blond jokes
Blonde and thermos
A blonde goes to work and sees that one of her co-workers has a thermos. She asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, ''It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold'' The blonde was amazed and when she got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day she goes to work and is proud that she has this wonderful object. The same co-worker realizes she has a thermos and says, ''What do you have in it?'' she says, ''Soup, and ice cream!'
Blonde & Gun
A blonde sees her boyfriend cheating on her, so she goes home, pulls out a gun, and decides to shoot herself. But, before she can, her boyfriend walks in. "No! Don't do it!" He shouts. The blonde yells "Shut up, you're next.
I drank too much last night.
There was this blonde who woke up one morning not remembering what happened the night before. She went into the kitchen to ask her mother. Her mother replied, "You went to the the bar last night with your father. I must have been asleep when you came home. Go ask your father."She went into the living room to see what her father would say. He answered, "You got very drunk last night. I am very disappointed in you! I'm surprised that your not hungover!"The blonde questioned, "Are you SURE? I can't remember a thing!"
A blonde was having financial difficulties and decides that she has to take some serious action, so she goes to the park and kidnaps a young boy and writes a ransom note, "I have kidnapped your son. Leave $10,000 behind the old elm tree and your son will come to no harm", she pins the note inside the boys jacket and sends him home.Next day sure enough there was $10,000 behind the tree and with it a note saying, "I cant believe one blonde would do this to another blonde".
Blonde on a Computer
Q. How can you tell a blonde has been working at a computer?A. There is white out all over the screen.
A blonde goes to work and sees that one of her co-workers has a thermos. She asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, ''It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold'' The blonde was amazed and when she got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day she goes to work and is proud that she has this wonderful object. The same co-worker realizes she has a thermos and says, ''What do you have in it?'' she says, ''Soup, and ice cream!'
Blonde & Gun
A blonde sees her boyfriend cheating on her, so she goes home, pulls out a gun, and decides to shoot herself. But, before she can, her boyfriend walks in. "No! Don't do it!" He shouts. The blonde yells "Shut up, you're next.
I drank too much last night.
There was this blonde who woke up one morning not remembering what happened the night before. She went into the kitchen to ask her mother. Her mother replied, "You went to the the bar last night with your father. I must have been asleep when you came home. Go ask your father."She went into the living room to see what her father would say. He answered, "You got very drunk last night. I am very disappointed in you! I'm surprised that your not hungover!"The blonde questioned, "Are you SURE? I can't remember a thing!"
A blonde was having financial difficulties and decides that she has to take some serious action, so she goes to the park and kidnaps a young boy and writes a ransom note, "I have kidnapped your son. Leave $10,000 behind the old elm tree and your son will come to no harm", she pins the note inside the boys jacket and sends him home.Next day sure enough there was $10,000 behind the tree and with it a note saying, "I cant believe one blonde would do this to another blonde".
Blonde on a Computer
Q. How can you tell a blonde has been working at a computer?A. There is white out all over the screen.
The hormone hostage treatment guide
13 Things PMS Stands For:1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pathetic Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff and my favourite one ...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"
"You'll what?" I said "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 3 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew. NOW, I feel better.
Anger management really works .
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." Then I called asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"
"You'll what?" I said "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 3 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew. NOW, I feel better.
Anger management really works .
Killers
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly Supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly Dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them Proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become Violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly Supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly Dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them Proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become Violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Party dinge kan net in Afrikaans gesê word...
Oop bek soos n gaar vis!
Sy het so baie plooie, sy skroef haar hoed op!
Hy is so maer, hy lyk soos 'n potlood met 'n handbriek.
Ek is nou so opgewonde soos 'n budgie op steroids !
Ek was gisteraand so dronk, toe ek vanoggend wakker word hang ek oor die stoel en my klere lê in die bed.
Ek is nou so lus vir ìn Rennie ek eet sommer 'n pastei.
Jy's so skeel jy kyk jouself diep in die oë!
Van sit of staan bly lê die lekkerste.
Hy ìs so kort hy weet nie of dit keelseer of aambeie is nie.
Hy ìs so kort hy slaan tot sy onderbroek se pype om.
Hy is so maer, as hy langs 'n wit muur loop lyk dit soos 'n kraak wat beweeg!
Hy is so skelm, hy bid onder 'n skuilnaam.
Ek gaan jou klap dat jy lus kry vir niks.
Ek sit nou so lekker ek staan sommer op en sit weer.
"Lang gesig soos 'n bok wat afdraand vreet."
"Drank los nie probleme op nie, maar so ook nie melk of water nie."
"Ek voel nou so goed, ek vul sommer die lottonommers verkeerd in."
"Ek is nou so lui ek trou sommer 'n pregnant vrou."
"Ondervinding is iets wat jy eers kry nadat jy dit nodig het."
"Almal kry die voorreg om onnosel te wees, net jammer party maak misbruik daarvan."
"Ek is so kwaad, ek soen sommer 'n pofadder oopbek"
"My vrou is so lelik, as sy op die sand sit wil die katte haar toekrap.."
"Arende vlieg dalk hoog, maar ons muishonde word nooit deur 'n vliegtuigmotor ingesuig nie."
"Die mens is op aarde geplaas om 'n sekere hoeveelheid werk te doen. Op die oomblik is ek so ver agter ek sal nooit dood gaan nie."
"Ons kannie almal helde wees nie, iemand moet langs die pad staan en hande klap."
"Ek haat mense wat honde aanhou. Hulle is 'n klomp sissies wat nie genoeg guts het om iemand self te byt nie."
"Ek glo dat as iets die moeite werd was om te doen, dan sou iemand anders dit lankal gedoen het."
"Jy mag nooit meer as jou yskas weeg nie!"
"As jy vir jouself kan lag dan het jy altyd iets om oor te lag."
"As jy lyk soos jou paspoort-foto, dan het jy 'n reis nodig . "
Sy het so baie plooie, sy skroef haar hoed op!
Hy is so maer, hy lyk soos 'n potlood met 'n handbriek.
Ek is nou so opgewonde soos 'n budgie op steroids !
Ek was gisteraand so dronk, toe ek vanoggend wakker word hang ek oor die stoel en my klere lê in die bed.
Ek is nou so lus vir ìn Rennie ek eet sommer 'n pastei.
Jy's so skeel jy kyk jouself diep in die oë!
Van sit of staan bly lê die lekkerste.
Hy ìs so kort hy weet nie of dit keelseer of aambeie is nie.
Hy ìs so kort hy slaan tot sy onderbroek se pype om.
Hy is so maer, as hy langs 'n wit muur loop lyk dit soos 'n kraak wat beweeg!
Hy is so skelm, hy bid onder 'n skuilnaam.
Ek gaan jou klap dat jy lus kry vir niks.
Ek sit nou so lekker ek staan sommer op en sit weer.
"Lang gesig soos 'n bok wat afdraand vreet."
"Drank los nie probleme op nie, maar so ook nie melk of water nie."
"Ek voel nou so goed, ek vul sommer die lottonommers verkeerd in."
"Ek is nou so lui ek trou sommer 'n pregnant vrou."
"Ondervinding is iets wat jy eers kry nadat jy dit nodig het."
"Almal kry die voorreg om onnosel te wees, net jammer party maak misbruik daarvan."
"Ek is so kwaad, ek soen sommer 'n pofadder oopbek"
"My vrou is so lelik, as sy op die sand sit wil die katte haar toekrap.."
"Arende vlieg dalk hoog, maar ons muishonde word nooit deur 'n vliegtuigmotor ingesuig nie."
"Die mens is op aarde geplaas om 'n sekere hoeveelheid werk te doen. Op die oomblik is ek so ver agter ek sal nooit dood gaan nie."
"Ons kannie almal helde wees nie, iemand moet langs die pad staan en hande klap."
"Ek haat mense wat honde aanhou. Hulle is 'n klomp sissies wat nie genoeg guts het om iemand self te byt nie."
"Ek glo dat as iets die moeite werd was om te doen, dan sou iemand anders dit lankal gedoen het."
"Jy mag nooit meer as jou yskas weeg nie!"
"As jy vir jouself kan lag dan het jy altyd iets om oor te lag."
"As jy lyk soos jou paspoort-foto, dan het jy 'n reis nodig . "
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem"
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
And since:
Knowledge = Power
and
Time = Money
it is therefore true that
Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving this equation for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
And since:
Knowledge = Power
and
Time = Money
it is therefore true that
Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving this equation for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
One for the Nerds
Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a PR1ME mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over the place.
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floating point processors and enquired "How are you, Honeywell?". "Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight",he said, "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8 K. "I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside."She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, whata global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"
They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave the occassional acknowledgements, although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entrypoint.
He finally settled on the old 'Would you like to_see_my_benchmarkroutine', but Mini was again one step ahead.
Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM",she said. Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about."Core", was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.
Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.
"No, no!", she cried, "You're not shielded!"
"Reset, Baby", he replied, "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes", she protested.
"Don't run away", he said, "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."
Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a coltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers!", she thought, as she recompiled herself. "All they ever think of is hex!"
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floating point processors and enquired "How are you, Honeywell?". "Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight",he said, "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8 K. "I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside."She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, whata global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"
They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave the occassional acknowledgements, although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entrypoint.
He finally settled on the old 'Would you like to_see_my_benchmarkroutine', but Mini was again one step ahead.
Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM",she said. Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about."Core", was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.
Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.
"No, no!", she cried, "You're not shielded!"
"Reset, Baby", he replied, "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes", she protested.
"Don't run away", he said, "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."
Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a coltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers!", she thought, as she recompiled herself. "All they ever think of is hex!"
Beer and Ice Cream Diet
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6oz or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168mgs) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036calories 6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz.X1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a canof beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer,and ice cream diet.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6oz or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168mgs) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036calories 6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz.X1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a canof beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer,and ice cream diet.
SEINFELD QUOTES...
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Blonde and Beautiful
A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, "Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move."
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model."
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back."
The blonde replies, sweetly, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model"-and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.
Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, "Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?"
The captain grinned slyly and said, "I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York."
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, "Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move."
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model."
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back."
The blonde replies, sweetly, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model"-and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.
Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, "Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?"
The captain grinned slyly and said, "I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York."
Lost
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "You know I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" asked the woman
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
"Why?" asked the woman
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
Get Out, And Never Come Back
A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.
The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"
The guy replies, "150 dollars."
The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.
A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, "Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?"
The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"
The guy replies, "150 dollars."
The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.
A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, "Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?"
Travel to China
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no, I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
Insurance
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance. "Suppose your husband were to die,"he said, "What would you get?"
The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."
The housewife thought for a while, and then said, "Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."
Four expectant fathers
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride.
"I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me! Another coincidence?"asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consiousness.
When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride.
"I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me! Another coincidence?"asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consiousness.
When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."
Poultry Passions
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.
He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up.
Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could between the legs.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."
He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up.
Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could between the legs.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."
Children's Property Laws
If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my hand, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
If I think it's mine, it's mine.
If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
If it's broken, it's yours...
Some adults also use these guidelines...
Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
The perfect husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes"WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather jacket for only R1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the BMW dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "R490,000"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking R2,950,000" for it.MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of R2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra R150,000 if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes"WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather jacket for only R1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the BMW dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "R490,000"MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking R2,950,000" for it.MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of R2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra R150,000 if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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