Why dogs bite people

Letter From A Free State Farm Kid

Letter From A Free State Farm Kid, Now Doing Basic Training In The Army

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are.

Tell my boetie Wouter and my other boetie Koos that being in the Army beats working for Oom Piet by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but am now starting to enjoying sleeping late.

Tell Wouter and Koos all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some thing. No varke to feed, no cows to milk, no mampoer to mix or braai wood to split. Practically nothing. Manne get to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on fruit juice, pap, eggs, bacon, etc, but short on steaks, boerewors, chops, potatoes and other regular food like vetkoek.

But tell my boeties you can always sit between two dorpies that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

These city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Sersant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my
place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our postbox at home. Then the dorpies from the city get sore feet and we all
ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

This next will kill my boeties with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a dassie's head
and doesn't move at all. And it isn't shooting back at you like those bliksemse Venter boys from the next door plaas. All you have to do is lie
there all rustig like and hit it. You don't even have to make your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with the dorpies from the city. I have to be really careful though,
they break real easy. It's not like fighting with Swart Duiwel, our old bull, at home.

I'm about the best they got in this platoon except for that Groot Jan Jordaan from somewhere in the Noord Transvaal. He joined the same time as
me. But I am only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he is 6'8 and weighs over 300 pounds, dry.

Be sure to tell my boeties to hurry and join before other okes find out about the Army setup and come stampeding in!

Your loving daughter,
Ester

We finally caught Loadshed

Nog local toilethumour

Toilet Signs From All Over The World

How do these people survive?

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.   

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(I'm gona try this.....)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the
cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she
could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.


THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'


FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to
fit this?'
'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries. It's a long walk...'

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do? Just use copier machine paper, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank'
copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if sheneeds to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should
be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer.....'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

I'm speechless....honestly (shoot her please!!!)


Life is tough... it's tougher when you're stupid

Was I driving too fast, officer?

How to avoid a parking ticket

BEE in action

Three contractors - one from Rehoboth, another from Windhoek,and the third from Okahandja, are bidding to fix a broken fence at the State House in Windhoek. They go with a State House official to examine the fence. The Okahandja contractor takes out a tape measure, does some measuring, and then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he says, 'I figure the job will run about R900. R400 for materials, R400 for my crew, and R100 profit for me.' The Rehoboth contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for R700: R300 for materials, 300 for my crew, and R100 profit for me.' The Windhoek contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House brother and whispers, 'R2,700.' The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?' The Windhoek contractor whispers back, 'R1000 for me, R1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Rehoboth to fix the fence.' 'Done!' replies the government official. And that, folks, is how it all works in Namibia these days!

Bongani the Lawyer

Bongani grew up in Johannesburg . He went to law school in London . After his studies he decided to go back to Johannesburg , because he could be a big man there. There he opened his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up to his office and decided to make a big impression. As the man came to the door, Bongani pretended to be on the phone and motioned the man to take a seat.

Bongani said into the phone: "No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that am not travelling all the way that side to settle thecase for less than a million bucks.

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear the case next week. "I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.

"Okay. Give the State Prosecutor my regards and ..." The visitor sat patiently as Bongani rattled instructions.

Finally, Bongani put down the telephone and said: "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man said: "I'm from Telkom .. I've come to connect your phone."

Mubabwe

Erection Lesults

Robert Mugabe: 2,150,269 votes
Morgan Tsvangirai : 233,000 votes
Spoilt papers 131,481.

I posted this as a joke - don't know what else to do with it.

Duur petrol

Auto Trader - And into the future ... when petrol costs N$20.00 a liter..........

The eye test and other signs

Eye test:

The Senior Stuntmen

Namibia is heaven

Pothole

SOB

U gotta Love an Honest Woman...

Dis Hoekom Vrouens Nie Gaan Jag Nie...

Die ou gaan gereeld jag en sy vrou moet altyd by die huis bly.
Sy besluit toe om vir haar `n geweer te koop en saam te gaan jag.

Op die plaas aangekom se hy vir haar om links teen die rivier af te loop dan loop hy regs teen die rivier af.

Hulle sal dan weer mekaar, onder, by die hoof hek ontmoet.
So gese, so gedaan. Hy het skaars 200 meter geloop toe hy drie skote hoor klap.

Hy hardloop terug in haar rigting en by die rivier kry hy haar.

Sy stry kliphard en aanhoudend met `n wild vreemde man...

"Meneer, dit is my Kudu die, ek het hom eerste gesien, en drie kopskote gegee!"

"Goed mevrou, ek gaan nie verder met jou stry nie, vat dan die kudu vir jou, maar gee jy om as ek net gou my saal en toom van jou kudu afhaal!?"

WEES TROTS SUID-AFRIKAANS

Wanneer jy uit die restaurant kom en jou kar is weg, moet nie kwaad of de moer in word nie.

Wees net trots Suid Afrikaans en vat die kar langsaan.

Hasie

Wat noem jy 'n hasie in Spur................ inspurhasie

Wat noem jy 'n hasie wat val................. gravithasie

Wat noem jy 'n hasie in 'n pyp............... blokhasie

Wat noem jy 'n hasie in n tuimeldroër...... spinhasie

Wat noem jy 'n hasie wat groei .............. inflhasie

Wat noem jy 'n hasie met Issues ........... Emotionele Baghasie

What crisis?

Why my mom fainted at the school play

some comments

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in R20, even though it's only for R32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay R2 for a R1 item he needs.
A woman will pay R1 for a R2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals..

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Paar grappies

 

My niggie koop 'n tyd gelede vir haar vyfjarige dogter, Carla, 'n
hamster. Toe die hamster uit sy hok ontsnap, keer hulle omtrent
die huis om voor hulle hom weer kry en in sy hok terugbesorg. 'n
Paar weke later, terwyl Carla by die skool is, ontsnap die hamster
weer. My niggie soek hoog en laag, maar kry nie die gedierte nie.
Sy hoop om die gevoel van verlies minder pynlik vir Carla te maak,
en neem die hok uit haar kamer uit. Toe Carla die middag tuiskom,
klim sy na 'n rukkie in haar ma se skoot. 'Ons het 'n ernstige
probleem,' kondig sy aan. 'Nie net is die hamster weg nie, maar
hierdie keer het hy sy hok saamgeneem.'

* * *

Jy leer nie regtig om ernstig te swets nie, totdat jy leer bestuur. Jy
leer nie regtig hoe om ernstig te bid nie, totdat jou kinders leer
bestuur.

* * *

Toe ek na die weskus van Amerika trek, was ek omtrent 'n
senuweewrak weens die moontlikheid van aardbewings daar. Maar
Linda, wat daar gebore en getoë is, was nogal blasè oor
aardbewings. Ek is saam met haar in haar motor toe dié effens
begin skud by 'n robot. Sy raak 'n bietjie gespanne tot ek
senuweeagtig uitroep: 'Dis dalk 'n aardbewing!' Toe ontspan sy
merkbaar. 'Ek dag net dalk dis iets fout met my motor,' is haar
kommentaar.

* * *
'n Dogtertjie vra haar ouma: 'Hoe oud is Ouma?' Ouma antwoord:
'62' Waarop die dogtertjie vra: 'En het Ouma by 1 begin?'

* * *

Op hul kampvakansie het 'n gesin die hut se ligte afgehou totdat
hulle binne was om te keer dat allerhande insekte en goggas ook
binnekom. 'n Paar vuurvliegies het egter tog hul pad binnetoe
gevind, waarop die jongste seuntjie sê; 'Dit help nie, want kyk die
muskiete kom met flitse in!'

 

***

Gatiep en Maraai stap uit Spar uit met 'n pram. Maraai kyk in die
pram en skree: 'DISSIE verkeerde kind!!!' Gatiep sê: ' Hou djou
bek man dis 'n beter pram!'

* * *

'n Ou oom sit by die busstop en hy huil. Een ou kom en vra
hoekom huil hy dan. Hy sê hy is met 'n 18-jarige meisie getroud en
dit gaan net te wonderlik. Ou vra: 'Nou hoekom huil Oom dan?'
Oom: 'Ek het vergeet waar ons bly.'