Tourists
Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking or sniffing.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Good examples of snakes as pets are mambas (both green and black), rinkhals and municipal workers.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking or sniffing.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Good examples of snakes as pets are mambas (both green and black), rinkhals and municipal workers.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Paddy & Co
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?""
Certainly, Father," was the man's reply."
Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians."
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!""Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
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An Irish priest is driving down toNew York and gets stopped for speeding inConnecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
_________________________________________________
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?""
Certainly, Father," was the man's reply."
Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
_________________________________________________
Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians."
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
_________________________________________________
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!""Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
_________________________________________________
An Irish priest is driving down toNew York and gets stopped for speeding inConnecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
_________________________________________________
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Sipho's girlfriends
Sipho had a girlfriend, Lorraine , very pretty & he liked her a lot.
One day Sipho went to work & found a gorgeous new girl had come to work at his office, named Clearly. He was quite smitten with her & she was very interested in him too. But Sipho was a loyal man & wouldn't do anything with Clearly, while he was still with Lorraine.
He decided to break up with Lorraine & get it on with Clearly, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then 1 day he & Lorraine went for a walk along the riverbank, she slipped & fell in2 the river, the current carried Lorraine off & she drowned.
Sipho stopped for a moment by the river, & then ran off smiling & singing & smiling & singing. What was he singing, you ask???
I can see Clearly now .... Lorraine is gone....
One day Sipho went to work & found a gorgeous new girl had come to work at his office, named Clearly. He was quite smitten with her & she was very interested in him too. But Sipho was a loyal man & wouldn't do anything with Clearly, while he was still with Lorraine.
He decided to break up with Lorraine & get it on with Clearly, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then 1 day he & Lorraine went for a walk along the riverbank, she slipped & fell in2 the river, the current carried Lorraine off & she drowned.
Sipho stopped for a moment by the river, & then ran off smiling & singing & smiling & singing. What was he singing, you ask???
I can see Clearly now .... Lorraine is gone....
Die swemgat
Oom Koos van die Oos Transvaal besit sy plasie nou al vir donkie jare. Skuins agter die bloekoms het hy destyds vir sy kinders die plaasdam in 'n swembad omskep en goed ingerig met piekniek tafels, braai geriewe en vrugte bome. Een aand, so skemer se tyd besluit Oom Koos, in sy eensaamheid om bietjie daar by die dam te gaan sit. Hy neem toe ook 'n emmer saam om 'n paar van die vrugte terug te neem huis toe.
Soos wat hy aangestap kom, hoor hy vrolike stemme gesels en giggel. Hy val plat agter 'n bos en loer deur die takke om te sien wat aangaan. Tot sy swak hart beleef hy 'n groep kaal meisies wat in die dam swem. Hy staan toe op en stap nader om die meisies te laat weet hulle betree eintlik 'n ander man se eiendom. Toe hulle hom sien, sak hulle almal laer af, sodat die water die nodige toemaak.
Een van die meisies skreeu benoud op die oom: "Ons klim nie uit voor oom nie weggaan nie!"
"Nee, nee, bedaar niggie, ek is nie hier om te kyk hoe die spulletjie van julle kaalgat swem nie....."
Hy hou die emmer omhoog en se: "Ek is net gou hier om die krokodille kos te gee....."
Soos wat hy aangestap kom, hoor hy vrolike stemme gesels en giggel. Hy val plat agter 'n bos en loer deur die takke om te sien wat aangaan. Tot sy swak hart beleef hy 'n groep kaal meisies wat in die dam swem. Hy staan toe op en stap nader om die meisies te laat weet hulle betree eintlik 'n ander man se eiendom. Toe hulle hom sien, sak hulle almal laer af, sodat die water die nodige toemaak.
Een van die meisies skreeu benoud op die oom: "Ons klim nie uit voor oom nie weggaan nie!"
"Nee, nee, bedaar niggie, ek is nie hier om te kyk hoe die spulletjie van julle kaalgat swem nie....."
Hy hou die emmer omhoog en se: "Ek is net gou hier om die krokodille kos te gee....."
Die eend
Die eend loop by die kroeg in en vra die kroegman: " Het jy brood?"
Kroegman: Nee
Eend: Enige brood?
Kroegman: Nee
Eend: niks brood nie?
Kroegman: Nee, ons het nie enige &*^%$ brood nie!!!
Eend: Nie eers ou brood nie?
Kroegman: Is jy doof of wat? Ons het nie &*^%$ brood nie!! As jy my weer vra, gaan ek jou &*^%$ bek aan die kroegtoonbank vasspyker
Eend: Het jy spykers?
Kroegman: Nee
Eend: En brood?
Kroegman: Nee
Eend: Enige brood?
Kroegman: Nee
Eend: niks brood nie?
Kroegman: Nee, ons het nie enige &*^%$ brood nie!!!
Eend: Nie eers ou brood nie?
Kroegman: Is jy doof of wat? Ons het nie &*^%$ brood nie!! As jy my weer vra, gaan ek jou &*^%$ bek aan die kroegtoonbank vasspyker
Eend: Het jy spykers?
Kroegman: Nee
Eend: En brood?
New element discovered by South African scientists
Research in South Africa has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical level of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Sapa-AP
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical level of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Sapa-AP
Our jobs are safe
OUR JOBS ARE SAFE AS LONG AS THESE PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was hopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
Several years ago, we had a junior typist who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the junior took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
My neighbour works in the I.T. department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branches who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
Police in Dubbo NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopier machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Life is tough... It's tougher if you're stupid
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was hopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
Several years ago, we had a junior typist who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the junior took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
My neighbour works in the I.T. department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branches who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
Police in Dubbo NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopier machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Life is tough... It's tougher if you're stupid
Kleinsus en die Kerel
'n Universiteit student gaan huis toe vir die vakansie en waarsku haar ouers dat sy haar nuwe kêrel saambring.
Die ou is 'n dwergie en die student vra haar ouers om asseblief tog haar sesjarige sussie in te lig.
Die ma neem vir kleinsus eenkant en sê: "Poplap, jou ouer suster kom die naweek huis toe en sy bring haar nuwe kêrel saam. Hy lyk anders as ons, maar jy mag nie vir hom vrae vra of na hom staar nie, gehoor?"
Kleinsus verstaan mooi en belowe om haar te gedra.
Ousus en haar kêrel daag op en toe Kleinsus die kêreltjie sien, kon sy haarself skaars beteuel. Die gesin gaan sit aan vir aandete en Kleinsus vermy oogkontak met die gas en bly tjoepstil. Net na die hoofgereg dra die ouers en ousus die vuil borde kombuis toe en gaan berei die nagereg voor.
Dis net Kleinsus en die dwerg aan tafel.
'n Ongemaklike stilte heers 'n rukkie, maar toe kan die meisietjie dit nie meer hou nie...
"Ken jy vir Sneeuwitjie?"
Die ou is 'n dwergie en die student vra haar ouers om asseblief tog haar sesjarige sussie in te lig.
Die ma neem vir kleinsus eenkant en sê: "Poplap, jou ouer suster kom die naweek huis toe en sy bring haar nuwe kêrel saam. Hy lyk anders as ons, maar jy mag nie vir hom vrae vra of na hom staar nie, gehoor?"
Kleinsus verstaan mooi en belowe om haar te gedra.
Ousus en haar kêrel daag op en toe Kleinsus die kêreltjie sien, kon sy haarself skaars beteuel. Die gesin gaan sit aan vir aandete en Kleinsus vermy oogkontak met die gas en bly tjoepstil. Net na die hoofgereg dra die ouers en ousus die vuil borde kombuis toe en gaan berei die nagereg voor.
Dis net Kleinsus en die dwerg aan tafel.
'n Ongemaklike stilte heers 'n rukkie, maar toe kan die meisietjie dit nie meer hou nie...
"Ken jy vir Sneeuwitjie?"
Staff reviews....
These are actual quotes taken from employee performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19.. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19.. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Dronk
Hoe weet jy wanneer jy werklik dronk raak?
Jy begin gesofistikeerd voel, maar jy kan dit nie spel nie.
Jy begin gesofistikeerd voel, maar jy kan dit nie spel nie.
Kelnerinne
Die toeriste kom in Hluhluwe aan in Zoeloeland en kan nie besluit oor hoe om die naam uit te spreek nie.
Na 'n groot debat besluit hulle om maar iets te gaan eet. Hulle kom toe in die restaurant aan en besluit om die kelnerin te vra: "Ag sal jy asseblief so gaaf wees om ons te vertel hoe mens julle plekkie se naam uitspreek?"
"Ja seker" is die kelnerin se antwoord, "'n Mens spreek dit so uit: Sspuuurr!"
Na 'n groot debat besluit hulle om maar iets te gaan eet. Hulle kom toe in die restaurant aan en besluit om die kelnerin te vra: "Ag sal jy asseblief so gaaf wees om ons te vertel hoe mens julle plekkie se naam uitspreek?"
"Ja seker" is die kelnerin se antwoord, "'n Mens spreek dit so uit: Sspuuurr!"
Nog blond grappies
'n Blondine skakel die lughawe en vra "Hoe lank neem 'n vlug vanaf Kaapstad na Londen?"
"Net 'n minuut," antwoord die besige ontvangsdame aan die ander kant.
"Dankie," sê die blondine en plaas die gehoorstuk neer.
Waarom hou die blondine 'n leë melkbottel in haar yskas?
Vir mense wat van swart koffie hou.
"Net 'n minuut," antwoord die besige ontvangsdame aan die ander kant.
"Dankie," sê die blondine en plaas die gehoorstuk neer.
Waarom hou die blondine 'n leë melkbottel in haar yskas?
Vir mense wat van swart koffie hou.
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