Your dark future as foretold by ESKOM

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 21) : Things will be pretty dark for you today, unless you remember to buy new torch batteries.

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) : You'll probably eat cold, raw food again today. Try to remember to get that gas cylinder filled! Be cheerful, though, and remember that your ancestors lived like this and survived - 25,000 years ago.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 22) : There will be a programme on TV tonight that you'll love. Bummer that you can't watch it 'cause it's on during your allotted "block" in the Eskom disco derby...

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 23) : Thought you were smart buying that generator? But we know you're going to run out of fuel tonight and the nearest working petrol station is 20km away. As you get there, we'll cut their power... Sorry.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 24) : Another morning without that essential cup of coffee awaits you... If you make it to 10am we'll reward you with enough power to make some, but by then you'll probably have killed 3 people and severely injured a 4th. (Don't worry, though. This is the New SA - you'll probably get away with it.)

Virgo (Aug 24- Sep 23) : Not for very much longer... What else is there to do after dark?

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) : Your star-sign stands for fairness and justice. That's why we're going to hit your area with three 2hr outages a day, while the area where your local MP stays will enjoy uninterrupted power throughout.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 23) : Your area's assigned outage "block" is from 10:00 to 12:30. Expect the power to go off any time before or after that. And don't think it will only be out for two-and-a-half hours, either.

Sagittarius (Nov 23- Dec 22) : Today you'll buy some food that is apparently within its sell-by date. What you won't realize is that the sell-by date is for food that has been stored in a constantly operating fridge.... Although you'll get severe food poisoning, we think you may survive if you can find an emergency ward that has back-up generators. Good luck!

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 21) : Don't bother to go to work today. During the hours when you actually will have electricity, your network provider will not, so you won't be able to do anything anyway. Stay home and well.... there's not much to do there either, is there?

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 20) : Today you'll get so fed up with our incompetence that you'll decide to emigrate. We regret to inform you that this is no longer possible... The airports have all shut down, because - well think about it! They need electricity to run the place!! You ain't going - nowhere...

Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 21) : Today all your hopes and dreams will come true. You'll have power during "Days of Our Lives".If today is your birthday : Use lots and lots of candles on that cake - even if they don't reflect your age. How else are you going to see to open the presents?You will receive the ideal gift - your very own miner's helmet!!