Cape Flats Lullaby
Daddy's gonna steal you a GTi,
And if that GTi don't Torque
Another GTi, I will stalk.
And if the stalking don't go to well
Daddy's gonna steal you a Caravelle
And if that Caravelle makes some tricks
Daddy's gonna jack you a VR6.
And if that VR6 won't fly
Daddy's gonna knock a BM from a Sandton guy.
And if that BM's sound is kwaai
Da Lenz cherries will go with you to elke braai!
And if the cops ask why ?
Daddy will buy the docket from a Police spy!
And if all these things still make you cry
Then you're not my laaitie
..... your mom told me a lie !!
Liewe Gert...
Ek skryf aan jou hierdie brief om te sê ek gaan jou verlaat. Ek was 'n goeie vrou vir jou vir sewe jaar en ek het niks om daarvoor te wys nie. Die laaste twee weke was louter hel. Jou baas het my geskakel om te sê dat jy vanoggend bedank het en dit is nou die laaste strooi.
Laas week het jy nie eers opgelet toe ek my hare en naels laat doen het nie. Ek het jou gunsteling dis voorberei en 'n nuwe sexy nagrok gekoop. Jy het huistoe gekom, jou kos in twee minute verorber en is reguit bed toe nadat jy sport op TV gekyk het.
Jy vertel my nooit meer dat jy my liefhet nie. Jy gee my nie meer soentjies of drukkies nie. Jy is verlief op iemand anders of jy het my net nie meer lief nie. In ieder geval, ek verlaat jou.
NS. As jy my probeer soek - los dit maar. Ek en jou broer Sarel het saam 'n plekkie gekry aan die
Jou ex vrou
Sannie
*******
Liefste Sannie my ex vrou
Niks kon my dag so maak as toe ek jou brief ontvang het nie. Dit is waar dat ons al sewe jaar getroud is. Dat jy 'n "goeie vrou" was, is ver van die waarheid. Ek hou daarvan om sport op TV te kyk om van jou permanente gesanik weg te kom - net jammer dit werk nie altyd nie.
Ek het laasweek opgelet dat jy al jou hare laat afsny het. Die eerste ding wat by my opgekom het, is dat jy nou soos 'n man lyk. Ek het niks gesê nie omdat my ma my grootgemaak het om stil te bly indien jy nie iets goed
Toe jy my gunsteling dis voorberei het, moes jy my verwar het met my broer aangesien ek al vir jare nie meer vark eet nie. Ek het gaan slaap terwyl jy die sexy nagrok aangehad het omdat die prys etiket nog aan die nagrok gesit het. Dit het in my gedagtes gespook dat dit tog asseblief toeval moet wees dat my broer daardie oggend R200 by my geleen het en die nagrok se prys is R199. Ten spyte van dit alles is ek nog steeds lief vir jou en het ek gehoop dat ons nog dinge kon uitwerk.
Daarom het ek vanoggend, nadat ek uitgevind het dat ek die Lotto van R20 miljoen gewen het, my werk bedank en vir ons twee plek bespreek by 'n eksotiese eiland vakansie oord in die Ooste. Met my aankoms by die huis was jy al weg. Ek neem aan alles gebeur om 'n rede. Ek hoop jy kry die vol lewe waarna jy so "smag". My prokureur verseker my dat jy nie 'n sent gaan kry nie aangesien jy weg is voordat jy van die Lotto geweet het.
NS. Ek het jou nooit vertel nie, maar my broer Sarel was by geboorte Sandra. Hoop nie dit is vir jou 'n probleem nie.
Liefde
Jou ex man
Gert
The Man with the Correct Change
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich..
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big Ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say '
Kaapse humor
Hy't sy huis verloor, sy werk verloor en sy vrou het die kinders gevat en hom geskei.
Hy vat 'n tweede bottel: 'Djy issie reason lat ekkie kinners hettie!'
Derde bottel: 'Djy issie reason lat ekkie 'n job hettie!'
Vierde bottel: 'Djy issie reason lat ekkie 'n huis hettie!'
Absentee notes
These are absentee notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools all over South Africa .
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School : Please ekscuse Shadrak being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Blessing from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face..
7. Moses was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side
10. Please excuse Justice Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh its. [Words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
13. Petros was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Beauty home because she was to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please ekxcuse Wiseman for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off verunda, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20.Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Burma , she has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
