The root of romance

Hello!

Ladies don’t always think of those Men with beautiful cars, there is no beauty greater than this…

And Guys you too can make your woman proud, don’t stress about BMW’s, Audi’s, or some fancy red candles and expensive restaurants- You don’t always need them to be romantic

This is the root of romance

Family outing

Loving husband

A man had two of the best tickets for the Super 14 Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super 14 Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head.... "No. They're all at the funeral."

BLAPSE IN KERKBLAADJIES

BLAPSE IN KERKBLAADJIES

. Dames, moenie die krap-en-koop aand vergeet nie. Dis ook jou kans om van al die onnodige goed in jou huis ontslae te raak. Onthou om jou man saam te bring.

. Die interkerklike vredesberaad is gekanselleer weens sinodale konflik.

. Moenie dat bekommernis jou doodmaak nie. Laat die kerk help.

. Die koste vir bywoning van die gebed- en vas-konferensie sluit die koste van die etes in.

. Vanoggend se erediens handel oor "Ons Redder loop op die Water". Vanaand se preek: "Waar is ons Redder?"

. Me Charlene Mason van die Metodiste gemeente het vir ons "I will not pass this way again" gesing, wat ons almal groot vreugde verskaf het.

. Volgende Donderdag is daar oudisies vir die kerkkoor. Kom gerus as jy niks aan het nie.

. Barbara is nog in die hospitaal vir bloedoortappings. Sy sukkel om te slaap, en het kassette van pastoor Jack se preke gevra.

. Die pastoor gaan sy afskeidspreek lewer, waarna die koor gaan sing "O blye dag".

. Klaas Buitendag en Debbie Prinsloo is op 3 Oktober getroud. En so eindig 'n mooi vriendskap wat in hul skooljare begin het.

. 'n Boontjiesop-aand gaan in die kerk se lapa gehou word. Bring 'n baadjie saam ingeval dit winderig en onplesierig raak.

. Die onderwerp van Maandagaand se gemeentebiduur is: "Die hemel, hoe kan jy daar kom?" Vervoer vertrek om 19:00 van die bushalte oorkant die ouetehuis.

. Die lae selfbeeld-ondersteuningsgroep vergader Donderdagmiddag om 15:00 in die sysaal. Gebruik asseblief die agterdeur.

. Die Weight Watchers-groep vergader Donderdag om 14:00 in die saal. Gebruik asb die dubbeldeure by die sy-ingang.

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Koos en die Luiperde...

Koos sien 'n advertensie in die Landbouweekblad waar 'n boer tenders inwag vir iemand om die luiperds op sy plaas te vang en na 'n wildreservaat te verskuif. Hy besluit om te tender, en omdat hy toe verreweg die goedkoopste is, kry hy die job.

Die volgende dag daag hy by die plaas op met 'n bakkie, 'n foxterriër, ou Jonas, 'n spul streepsakke en 'n .22 geweer. Die boer lyk maar skepties, maar aan die einde van die dag lê daar 12 luiperds in streepsakke, reg om vervoer te word..

Die boer is beïndruk en vra of hy die volgende dag kan saamry om te kyk hoe Koos dit doen.

Dit werk toe so: sodra hulle 'n luiperd sien, jaag hulle hom in die naaste boom op met die bakkie. Koos klim agterna, en soos die luiperd grom en na hom klap, grom en klap Koos terug totdat hy die luiperd op die dun takke vasgekeer het. Wanneer die tak dan padgee en die luiperd grond toe val, gryp die foksterriër hom aan die knaters en hou vir al wat hy werd is terwyl Jonas hom in die streepsak toebind.

"Maar waarvoor is die .22 dan?" wil die boer weet.

"Jong," sê Koos, "so met die heen-en-weer geklappery kan dit dalk gebeur dat EK uit die boom val. En dan moet Jonas die .22 gebruik om die foksterriër te skiet..."

Good brakes

Cape Flats Lullaby

Hush my laaitie don't you cry
Daddy's gonna steal you a GTi,
And if that GTi don't Torque
Another GTi, I will stalk.
And if the stalking don't go to well
Daddy's gonna steal you a Caravelle
And if that Caravelle makes some tricks
Daddy's gonna jack you a VR6.
And if that VR6 won't fly
Daddy's gonna knock a BM from a Sandton guy.
And if that BM's sound is kwaai
Da Lenz cherries will go with you to elke braai!
And if the cops ask why ?
Daddy will buy the docket from a Police spy!
And if all these things still make you cry

Then you're not my laaitie
..... your mom told me a lie !!

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Thought for the day...

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Liewe Gert...

Liewe Gert

Ek skryf aan jou hierdie brief om te sê ek gaan jou verlaat. Ek was 'n goeie vrou vir jou vir sewe jaar en ek het niks om daarvoor te wys nie. Die laaste twee weke was louter hel. Jou baas het my geskakel om te sê dat jy vanoggend bedank het en dit is nou die laaste strooi.

Laas week het jy nie eers opgelet toe ek my hare en naels laat doen het nie. Ek het jou gunsteling dis voorberei en 'n nuwe sexy nagrok gekoop. Jy het huistoe gekom, jou kos in twee minute verorber en is reguit bed toe nadat jy sport op TV gekyk het.

Jy vertel my nooit meer dat jy my liefhet nie. Jy gee my nie meer soentjies of drukkies nie. Jy is verlief op iemand anders of jy het my net nie meer lief nie. In ieder geval, ek verlaat jou.

NS. As jy my probeer soek - los dit maar. Ek en jou broer Sarel het saam 'n plekkie gekry aan die Natal se suidkus. Geniet jou lewe!

Jou ex vrou

Sannie

*******

Liefste Sannie my ex vrou

Niks kon my dag so maak as toe ek jou brief ontvang het nie. Dit is waar dat ons al sewe jaar getroud is. Dat jy 'n "goeie vrou" was, is ver van die waarheid. Ek hou daarvan om sport op TV te kyk om van jou permanente gesanik weg te kom - net jammer dit werk nie altyd nie.

Ek het laasweek opgelet dat jy al jou hare laat afsny het. Die eerste ding wat by my opgekom het, is dat jy nou soos 'n man lyk. Ek het niks gesê nie omdat my ma my grootgemaak het om stil te bly indien jy nie iets goed kan sê nie.

Toe jy my gunsteling dis voorberei het, moes jy my verwar het met my broer aangesien ek al vir jare nie meer vark eet nie. Ek het gaan slaap terwyl jy die sexy nagrok aangehad het omdat die prys etiket nog aan die nagrok gesit het. Dit het in my gedagtes gespook dat dit tog asseblief toeval moet wees dat my broer daardie oggend R200 by my geleen het en die nagrok se prys is R199. Ten spyte van dit alles is ek nog steeds lief vir jou en het ek gehoop dat ons nog dinge kon uitwerk.

Daarom het ek vanoggend, nadat ek uitgevind het dat ek die Lotto van R20 miljoen gewen het, my werk bedank en vir ons twee plek bespreek by 'n eksotiese eiland vakansie oord in die Ooste. Met my aankoms by die huis was jy al weg. Ek neem aan alles gebeur om 'n rede. Ek hoop jy kry die vol lewe waarna jy so "smag". My prokureur verseker my dat jy nie 'n sent gaan kry nie aangesien jy weg is voordat jy van die Lotto geweet het.

NS. Ek het jou nooit vertel nie, maar my broer Sarel was by geboorte Sandra. Hoop nie dit is vir jou 'n probleem nie.

Liefde

Jou ex man

Gert

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The Man with the Correct Change

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks Them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich..

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big Ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say '

Kaapse humor

Gamat sit in sy garage waar hy die laaste goed moet ontruim en bepeins sy lot.

Hy't sy huis verloor, sy werk verloor en sy vrou het die kinders gevat en hom geskei.

Hy vat 'n lee bottel, smyt dit teen die muur en skel: 'Djy issie reason lat ekkie 'n vrou hettie!'

Hy vat 'n tweede bottel: 'Djy issie reason lat ekkie kinners hettie!'

Derde bottel: 'Djy issie reason lat ekkie 'n job hettie!'

Vierde bottel: 'Djy issie reason lat ekkie 'n huis hettie!'

Hy vat die vyfde bottel en sien dis nog nie oopgemaak nie - vol wyn.

Hy sit die bottel saggies neer en sê: 'Staan djy eers eenkant toe, my broe.

Ek sien djy wassie involved nie'

NIKE

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Absentee notes

These are absentee notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools all over South Africa .

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School : Please ekscuse Shadrak being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Blessing from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face..

7. Moses was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

10. Please excuse Justice Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh its. [Words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Petros was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Beauty home because she was to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please ekxcuse Wiseman for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off verunda, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.


17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20.Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma , she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Bright idea

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Finias die trok drywer se skade verslag

Selfoon dialoog:
Finias; "My Bas, die trok hy wel nie mee ry nie...."

Baas; "Wats fout Finias, is jy weer sonder diesel?!"
Finias; "Nee die diesl hys moi my Bas, ma die trok hy stan"

Baas; "Het jy enjin moeilikheid?"
Finias; " Jaa...eh....die eh...engin hys ok seker oraait. Dis die trok wat stan my Bas."

Baas; " Finias, wat is fout met die fokken trok?"
Finias; "Hy stan by die brig my Bas. Ek dink jy moet breng die kran"

Baas; "Jy meen ‘n breakdown?"
Finias; "Ja.a.a....eh....die breakdown kan ok werk mar hy sal moet bietjie hog wees."

Baas; "Ja ek stuur ‘n groot breakdown, hy kan 5 meter lig"
Finias; "My bas, miskien die kran hy gan beter wees. En breng die jackhammer."

Baas " Jackhammer, vir f** wat?"
Finias; "Vir die trench digger, hy set vas by die teerpad. En breng ok die grinder, cutting tourch, ‘n nuwe lowbed en breng vor jou lunch en bietjie dop ok. Dit gan a laaaang dag wees vi die Bas."

Baas; "Finias, waarvan praat jy, waars my trok? Ek gaan jou dood maak as jy die trok weer omgeneuk het!"

Finias; "Neeee....eh...hy’s regop my bas. Hy stan da by die N1 buite Pretoria "
Baas; "EN WAAA DE HEL IS JY?"

Finias; "Ne,.....eh....ek is eh....by die Sydney Air Port. OK, die Bas hy moet net baie brannawyn vat en nie denk an Finias nie...OK koebai my Bas, Finias hy moet gan nou...!"

Einde van dialoog.

The financial crisis explained in easy terms

The financial crisis explained in simple terms:

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales,she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar.

Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.

Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts.

Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better,stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation.

Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied against the non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation I understand . . .