To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and theSenate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God save the Queen.
Welcome to the Banana Republic of South Africa!!!
South African health minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang tells those with HIV to eat garlic and beetroot.
The former deputy president, Jacob Zuma told the Johannesburg High Court that he took a shower - after having sex with the HIV-positive complainant without a condom - as he believed this minimized his risk of contracting the disease.
"Go to sleep earlier so that you can grow and be cleverer" - Minister of Minerals and Energy Buyelwa Sonjica unveiling a 10-point plan to encourage South Africans to change their electricity usage habits.
"It is one of the things that would make it (the tournament) a success because we hear of many rapes, because people don't have access to them (women)" - ANC MP George Lekgetho on the benefits of legalizing prostitution for the 2010 world cup.
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. To be cured from aids, eat garlic and beetroot. If you don't want aids, take a shower, and all we have to do to stop the electricity crisis is to go to bed early so we can be cleverer and rapes only occur because people don't have access to prostitutes.
Sleep tight South Africa. Your government has everything under control.
The former deputy president, Jacob Zuma told the Johannesburg High Court that he took a shower - after having sex with the HIV-positive complainant without a condom - as he believed this minimized his risk of contracting the disease.
"Go to sleep earlier so that you can grow and be cleverer" - Minister of Minerals and Energy Buyelwa Sonjica unveiling a 10-point plan to encourage South Africans to change their electricity usage habits.
"It is one of the things that would make it (the tournament) a success because we hear of many rapes, because people don't have access to them (women)" - ANC MP George Lekgetho on the benefits of legalizing prostitution for the 2010 world cup.
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen. To be cured from aids, eat garlic and beetroot. If you don't want aids, take a shower, and all we have to do to stop the electricity crisis is to go to bed early so we can be cleverer and rapes only occur because people don't have access to prostitutes.
Sleep tight South Africa. Your government has everything under control.
Job Description for a Parent.
POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, MaDad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
- The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs R5.
- Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
- Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
- Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
- Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
- Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
- Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
- Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
- Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
- Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
- Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
DEAF WIFE
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?",
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
, "Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?",
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
, "Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Diensplig
Eendag merk die dominee ' n klein seuntjie in die voorportaal van die kerk op, wat aandagtig na ' n groot gedenkplaat teen die muur staan en kyk.
Dit was oortrek met name en daar was klein landsvlaggies weerskante. Die sewejarige seuntjie het vir ' n lang tyd aandagtig na die plaat gestaan en kyk.
Toe loop die dominee nader, kom staan langs die seuntjie, en sê saggies: ' Goeiemore my Seun. ' ' More, Dominee sê hy, met sy oë nog vasgenael op die plaat.Dominee, wat is dit hierdie? ' vra hy.
Die dominee antwoord: ' Wel, my seun, dit is ' n gedenkplaat vir al die jongmanne wat in die diens gesterf het. '
In doodse stilte en met groot eerbied staan die twee toe voor die plaat en staar na die name.
Uiteindelik, in ' n skaars hoorbare stemmetjie en bewend van vrees vra die seuntjie:
' Watter diens Dominee? Die agtuur- of die elfuurdiens?
Dit was oortrek met name en daar was klein landsvlaggies weerskante. Die sewejarige seuntjie het vir ' n lang tyd aandagtig na die plaat gestaan en kyk.
Toe loop die dominee nader, kom staan langs die seuntjie, en sê saggies: ' Goeiemore my Seun. ' ' More, Dominee sê hy, met sy oë nog vasgenael op die plaat.Dominee, wat is dit hierdie? ' vra hy.
Die dominee antwoord: ' Wel, my seun, dit is ' n gedenkplaat vir al die jongmanne wat in die diens gesterf het. '
In doodse stilte en met groot eerbied staan die twee toe voor die plaat en staar na die name.
Uiteindelik, in ' n skaars hoorbare stemmetjie en bewend van vrees vra die seuntjie:
' Watter diens Dominee? Die agtuur- of die elfuurdiens?
New Eskom structure
I hereby solemny declare that the text below was not edited by me, and is the real stuff as reported here:
This is part of the new ESKOM management structure:
Go for it, ESKOM!! We have full confidence in this new team!
This is part of the new ESKOM management structure:
Johnny Dladla has been charged with something described as ‘confidence building and communication', while Mpho Letlape will be responsible for ‘employee morale'.
Ayanda Noah, Mongezi Ntsokolo and Johnson will oversee demand-side management, energy efficiency and demand reduction programmes;
Bongani Nqwababa, as FD, ... , Mpho Letlape, as MD ‘human resources', while the position of head of corporate affairs was still vacant.
Go for it, ESKOM!! We have full confidence in this new team!
Good Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home fromthe party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staringback at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written inred with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to makeyou your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fellover the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect orderand so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38S
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
He didn't even remember how he got home fromthe party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staringback at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written inred with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to makeyou your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fellover the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect orderand so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38S
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
My Next Life
I want to live my next life backwards!
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.
Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.
So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.
As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.
In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.
Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
Yebo
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Jacob Zuma, Winnie Mandela, Thabo Mbeki and Trevor Manuel.
They're asking for a R310 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Jacob Zuma, Winnie Mandela, Thabo Mbeki and Trevor Manuel.
They're asking for a R310 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
Urgent ESKOM Anouncement
NOTICE:
In a drive to save on electricity consumption, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off till further notice.
Kindly postpone all hopes and dreams...
We apologize for any inconvenience caused. Kind regards,
ESKOM Management
In a drive to save on electricity consumption, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off till further notice.
Kindly postpone all hopes and dreams...
We apologize for any inconvenience caused. Kind regards,
ESKOM Management
Sugar daddy
An old, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday eveningwith a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a R5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only R40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.
"I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's No money in that account.""I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" Thanks!! !
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a R5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only R40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.
"I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's No money in that account.""I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" Thanks!! !
Ware mediese aantekeninge op hospitaalkaarte in 'n hospitaal in Mpumalanga
a.. Sy het nie saamtrekkings of koors nie, maar haar man sê sy was gisteraand baie warm in die bed.
(Geen details asseblief!)
b.. Pasiënt het borspyn as sy langer as 'n jaar op haar linkersy lê.
(Neem aan sy't nie 'n werk nie...of is dit deel van haar werk?)
c.. Op die tweede dag was die knie beter, op die derde dag het dit verdwyn.
(Ek sou worry oor die vierde dag...)
d.. Die pasiënt is hartseer en huil aanhoudend. Dit lyk of sy ook depressief is.
(No kidding, Sherlock!)
e.. Die pasiënt is depressief sedert sy my in 1993 begin sien het.
(Mmmm...)
f.. Ontslagstatus: Lewend, maar sonder my toestemming.
(Ek neem aan die besluit lê by .... wie?)
g.. Die pasiënt het 'n outopsie geweier.
(Diè pasiënt is vol strooi!)
h.. Die pasiënt het geen geskiedenis van selfmoord nie.
(...tensy die pasiënt reincarnated is natuurlik...)
i.. Die pasiënt het sy witbloedselle by 'n ander hospitaal gelos.
(Wel, wetend van die land se status kan ons voorspel dat hulle ook teen die tyd al gesteel is)
j.. Hy het oor die afgelope drie dae net 40kg opgetel.
(make away people!)
k.. Sy is verlam van haar tone af ondertoe.
(Ook maar goed ons loop nie onderstebo nie...)
l.. Die vel was droog en klam.
(Wees asseblief bietjie meer spesifiek...)
m.. Die pasiënt het wafels vir ontbyt en anoreksia vir midagete gehad.
(Ek glo ons het 'n geneesmiddel gekry vir anoreksia - skip midagete!)
n.. Hy lyk gesond vir 69. Verstandelik skerp, maar vergeetagtig.
(Gelukkig lê geheue nie in die verstand nie nè)
o.. Het by tye konstante, ongereelde hoofpyn.
(Dit kan 'n probleem wees- ek voel dit myself)
p.. Rektale inspeksie het normale grootte skildklier getoon.
(...and who was the volunteer?)
q.. Sy was die grootste deel van haar lewe hardlywig totdat sy geskei is.
(wees gewaarsku- moet nie sy kos eet nie of...ja nee, kom ons los dit eerder)
r.. Albei borste is eenders en reageer op lig en akkommodasie.
(Huh?)
s.. Die vel is ietwat bleek, maar teenwoordig.
(Ag dankie tog!)
t.. Pasiënt het twee tienerkinders, maar geen ander abnormaliteite nie.
(errr, ek glo 'n geld tekort gaan hand-in-hand met tienerkinders)
(Geen details asseblief!)
b.. Pasiënt het borspyn as sy langer as 'n jaar op haar linkersy lê.
(Neem aan sy't nie 'n werk nie...of is dit deel van haar werk?)
c.. Op die tweede dag was die knie beter, op die derde dag het dit verdwyn.
(Ek sou worry oor die vierde dag...)
d.. Die pasiënt is hartseer en huil aanhoudend. Dit lyk of sy ook depressief is.
(No kidding, Sherlock!)
e.. Die pasiënt is depressief sedert sy my in 1993 begin sien het.
(Mmmm...)
f.. Ontslagstatus: Lewend, maar sonder my toestemming.
(Ek neem aan die besluit lê by .... wie?)
g.. Die pasiënt het 'n outopsie geweier.
(Diè pasiënt is vol strooi!)
h.. Die pasiënt het geen geskiedenis van selfmoord nie.
(...tensy die pasiënt reincarnated is natuurlik...)
i.. Die pasiënt het sy witbloedselle by 'n ander hospitaal gelos.
(Wel, wetend van die land se status kan ons voorspel dat hulle ook teen die tyd al gesteel is)
j.. Hy het oor die afgelope drie dae net 40kg opgetel.
(make away people!)
k.. Sy is verlam van haar tone af ondertoe.
(Ook maar goed ons loop nie onderstebo nie...)
l.. Die vel was droog en klam.
(Wees asseblief bietjie meer spesifiek...)
m.. Die pasiënt het wafels vir ontbyt en anoreksia vir midagete gehad.
(Ek glo ons het 'n geneesmiddel gekry vir anoreksia - skip midagete!)
n.. Hy lyk gesond vir 69. Verstandelik skerp, maar vergeetagtig.
(Gelukkig lê geheue nie in die verstand nie nè)
o.. Het by tye konstante, ongereelde hoofpyn.
(Dit kan 'n probleem wees- ek voel dit myself)
p.. Rektale inspeksie het normale grootte skildklier getoon.
(...and who was the volunteer?)
q.. Sy was die grootste deel van haar lewe hardlywig totdat sy geskei is.
(wees gewaarsku- moet nie sy kos eet nie of...ja nee, kom ons los dit eerder)
r.. Albei borste is eenders en reageer op lig en akkommodasie.
(Huh?)
s.. Die vel is ietwat bleek, maar teenwoordig.
(Ag dankie tog!)
t.. Pasiënt het twee tienerkinders, maar geen ander abnormaliteite nie.
(errr, ek glo 'n geld tekort gaan hand-in-hand met tienerkinders)
ESKOM Anouncement
Eskom would like to remind customers to not refer to "Black-outs!"
The correct term is "previously lit areas!"
The correct term is "previously lit areas!"
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND AFRIKAANS
Verlede jaar het ek en my swaer en my skoonseun per vliegtuig na Windhoek gereis om veral die dierelewe van Namibie te besigtig.
Last year, me and my heavy and my cleanson traveled by flying harness to Windcorner specially to belook the animal-living in Namibia.
In die Noorde het ons toe volop springbokke, steenbokke, blesbokke, kameelperde en ook meerkatte gesien.
In the North we then saw full-up jumping goats, brick buck, bald buck, Camel horses and also more cats.
Een keer was ons senuwees egter skoon op hol.
One time genuine our sinews were clean on hollow.
Ons het agtergekom dat 'n luiperd besig was om ons te bekruip.
We aftercame that a lazy-horse was becreeping us.
In 'n oomblik was ons slaggereed met ons dubbelloop haelgewere.
In an uncle-tin we were slaughter ready with our double walk hail guns.
Toe die luiperd agter die bos roer, skiet ons almal gelyk.
When the lazy-horse mixed behind the bush, we all shot equal.
Na alles verby was, was ons hare baie deurmekaar. Ons het dit toe netjies gemaak, in die bakkie geklim en huis toe gery.
After all was past, our hairs were very through each other. We then made It into small nets, we climbed in the bowl , and rode home.
Langs die pad het ons 'n papwiel gekry.
Along the road we got a porridge wheel.
So het ons lang, opwindende dag geeindig.
So did our long, wound-up day end!
Last year, me and my heavy and my cleanson traveled by flying harness to Windcorner specially to belook the animal-living in Namibia.
In die Noorde het ons toe volop springbokke, steenbokke, blesbokke, kameelperde en ook meerkatte gesien.
In the North we then saw full-up jumping goats, brick buck, bald buck, Camel horses and also more cats.
Een keer was ons senuwees egter skoon op hol.
One time genuine our sinews were clean on hollow.
Ons het agtergekom dat 'n luiperd besig was om ons te bekruip.
We aftercame that a lazy-horse was becreeping us.
In 'n oomblik was ons slaggereed met ons dubbelloop haelgewere.
In an uncle-tin we were slaughter ready with our double walk hail guns.
Toe die luiperd agter die bos roer, skiet ons almal gelyk.
When the lazy-horse mixed behind the bush, we all shot equal.
Na alles verby was, was ons hare baie deurmekaar. Ons het dit toe netjies gemaak, in die bakkie geklim en huis toe gery.
After all was past, our hairs were very through each other. We then made It into small nets, we climbed in the bowl , and rode home.
Langs die pad het ons 'n papwiel gekry.
Along the road we got a porridge wheel.
So het ons lang, opwindende dag geeindig.
So did our long, wound-up day end!
FW: Grandma in the courtroom - Mississippi
Lawyers should not ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
Question
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come you are in big trouble
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come you are in big trouble
Deep Thoughts
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find"
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find"
Toe en Nou
Scenario: Piet en Jan raak betrokke in 'n fight by die skool
TOE 'n Groot groep seuns vorm rondom die twee, hulle slaan die #$% uit mekaar uit, skud hande en die volgende dag is hulle dik pels.
NOU Polisie word ontbied en arressteer vir Jan en Piet. Alle selfone met videos van die fight word gekonfiskeer as bewysstukke. Albei word aangekla vir aanranding. Altwee word geskors al het Piet die fight begin. Die ouers word ingeroep vir konsultasie en die ander kindes wat die fight gesien het kry trauma berading. Die video van die fight is beskikbaar op YouTube.
Scenario: Piet onstig die klas want hy wil nie stilsit en stilbly nie
TOE Piet se gat word vuurwarm geslaan. Hy sit nog steeds nie stil nie want sy gat brand te veel, maar hy hou darem sy bek en maak matriek klaar en word 'n suksesvolle besigheidsman.
NOU Piet word op Ritalin gesit want hy het een of ander hiperaktiewe neiging. Word 'n zombie. Word getoets vir ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). Die juffrou sukkel haar gat af. Piet kan nie bybly nie en verlaat skool na Standerd 6.
Scenario: Jan gooi 'n klip en breek 'n ruit van die buurman se huis.
TOE: Jan se gat brand. Hy moet vir 'n week lank in die buurman se tuin werk.
NOU: Jan se gat brand. Sy pa word gearresteer vir kindermishandeling. Jan word in pleegsorg geplaas. Die sielkundige oortuig Jan se suster dat haar pa haar seksueel aangerand het en hul pa gaan tronk toe. Jan se ma en pa skei want sy het 'n verhouding met die Sielkundige.
Scenario: Piet druip Engels op Hoërskool.
TOE Piet se gat brand. Hy moet Engels ekstra klasse loop. Hy slaag Engels goed in matriek en gaan Universiteit toe.
NOU Die Onderwyser kry die skuld. Piet is getraumatiseer. Sy saak word opgevat deur 'n plaaslike menseregte groep wat bepaal dat dit rassisties is om Engels 'n vereiste vak te maak. Dit raak 'n politieke storie en 'n saak word aanhangig gemaak teen die skool en die Onderwysdepartement. Engels word van die curriculum afgehaal. Piet slaag matriek goed, maar sny gras vir 'n lewe want hy kan nie Engels praat nie.
Scenario Jan vat 'n klomp klappers, maak 'n bom daarmee en blaas 'n miershoop op.
TOE Jan se gat brand. Die miershoop is in sy kanon. Duisende miere dood.
NOU Die Veiligheidspolisie en Dierebeskermingsgroepe word ingeroep en Jan word aangekla van stedelike terrorisme en dieremishandeling. Sy ouers word dopgehou. Jonger broers en susters word van die huis af weggevat. Hulle rekenaars word gekonfiskeer en Jan se pa word op 'n lys van terroriste geplaas en hy kan nie verder werk kry nie. Die familie kripeer.
Scenario Piet val sy knie in nerwe gedurende pouse. Sy juffrou vee sy trane af, maak die knie skoon en gee hom 'n drukkie.
TOE Piet voel gou beter en tweede pouse hol hy al weer rond.
NOU Piet se Juffrou word beskuldig dat sy 'n pedofiel is en verloor haar werk. Sy kry 'n opgeskorte vonnis. Piet ondergaan terapie vir die volgende vyf jaar. Raak 'n moffie.
TOE 'n Groot groep seuns vorm rondom die twee, hulle slaan die #$% uit mekaar uit, skud hande en die volgende dag is hulle dik pels.
NOU Polisie word ontbied en arressteer vir Jan en Piet. Alle selfone met videos van die fight word gekonfiskeer as bewysstukke. Albei word aangekla vir aanranding. Altwee word geskors al het Piet die fight begin. Die ouers word ingeroep vir konsultasie en die ander kindes wat die fight gesien het kry trauma berading. Die video van die fight is beskikbaar op YouTube.
Scenario: Piet onstig die klas want hy wil nie stilsit en stilbly nie
TOE Piet se gat word vuurwarm geslaan. Hy sit nog steeds nie stil nie want sy gat brand te veel, maar hy hou darem sy bek en maak matriek klaar en word 'n suksesvolle besigheidsman.
NOU Piet word op Ritalin gesit want hy het een of ander hiperaktiewe neiging. Word 'n zombie. Word getoets vir ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). Die juffrou sukkel haar gat af. Piet kan nie bybly nie en verlaat skool na Standerd 6.
Scenario: Jan gooi 'n klip en breek 'n ruit van die buurman se huis.
TOE: Jan se gat brand. Hy moet vir 'n week lank in die buurman se tuin werk.
NOU: Jan se gat brand. Sy pa word gearresteer vir kindermishandeling. Jan word in pleegsorg geplaas. Die sielkundige oortuig Jan se suster dat haar pa haar seksueel aangerand het en hul pa gaan tronk toe. Jan se ma en pa skei want sy het 'n verhouding met die Sielkundige.
Scenario: Piet druip Engels op Hoërskool.
TOE Piet se gat brand. Hy moet Engels ekstra klasse loop. Hy slaag Engels goed in matriek en gaan Universiteit toe.
NOU Die Onderwyser kry die skuld. Piet is getraumatiseer. Sy saak word opgevat deur 'n plaaslike menseregte groep wat bepaal dat dit rassisties is om Engels 'n vereiste vak te maak. Dit raak 'n politieke storie en 'n saak word aanhangig gemaak teen die skool en die Onderwysdepartement. Engels word van die curriculum afgehaal. Piet slaag matriek goed, maar sny gras vir 'n lewe want hy kan nie Engels praat nie.
Scenario Jan vat 'n klomp klappers, maak 'n bom daarmee en blaas 'n miershoop op.
TOE Jan se gat brand. Die miershoop is in sy kanon. Duisende miere dood.
NOU Die Veiligheidspolisie en Dierebeskermingsgroepe word ingeroep en Jan word aangekla van stedelike terrorisme en dieremishandeling. Sy ouers word dopgehou. Jonger broers en susters word van die huis af weggevat. Hulle rekenaars word gekonfiskeer en Jan se pa word op 'n lys van terroriste geplaas en hy kan nie verder werk kry nie. Die familie kripeer.
Scenario Piet val sy knie in nerwe gedurende pouse. Sy juffrou vee sy trane af, maak die knie skoon en gee hom 'n drukkie.
TOE Piet voel gou beter en tweede pouse hol hy al weer rond.
NOU Piet se Juffrou word beskuldig dat sy 'n pedofiel is en verloor haar werk. Sy kry 'n opgeskorte vonnis. Piet ondergaan terapie vir die volgende vyf jaar. Raak 'n moffie.
Oppas vir 'n kwaai vrou
Vrou stel glo dodelike lokval in toilet
(Dis 'n regtige koerant berig hierdie, al lyk die name en voorvalle soos 'n wel-uitgedinkte grap!)
The new element discovered in SA
Research in South Africa has led to the discovery of the heaviest elementyet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving itan atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believethat Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical level ofconcentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving itan atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believethat Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical level ofconcentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Look Happy at work
All personnel will be expected to look happy at work. Rubber bands and paper clips will be provided at no cost.
How to look Happy at work:
* Workload getting to you? * Feeling stressed?* Too many Priority 1 assignments?
Here is the new low cost way to cope with multiple Priority 1 assignments!
Take 2 paper clips and rubber bands. Fig 1
.JPG)
How to look Happy at work:
* Workload getting to you? * Feeling stressed?* Too many Priority 1 assignments?
Here is the new low cost way to cope with multiple Priority 1 assignments!
Take 2 paper clips and rubber bands. Fig 1
.JPG)
.JPG)
Nog een dansky ESKOM
Wat is die verskil tussen SA en die Titanic?
Die Titanic se ligte het gebrand toe hy sink!
Die Titanic se ligte het gebrand toe hy sink!
The 2007 Darwin Awards
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M. , flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M. , flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
And more ESKOM jokes!! where do they come up with this stuff?
This is the ESKOM maintennace team hard at work:
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