Gatiep loop met 'n spul sinkplate onder sy arm die straat af.
Sy pel vra: "Wat is daai?"
Gatiep: "Ek is vanoggend geskei en ek het die huis gekry."
_____________________________________________________
Gatiep en Maraai stap uit Spar uit met 'n pram
Maraai kyk in die pram en skree: "DISSIE VERKEERDE kind!!!''
Gatiep se: " Hou jou bek man dit is 'n beter pram!"
YOU ARE PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN WHEN:
You call a bathing suit a "swimming costume".
You call a traffic light a "robot".
You call an elevator a "lift"
You call a hood a "bonnet"
You call a trunk a "boot"
You call a pickup truck a "bakkie"
You call a Barbeque a "Braai"
The employees dance in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.
The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the programme you just finished watching.
You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.
You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you've never had any.
You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them.
You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela.
You go to braais regularly, where you eat boerewors and swim, sometimes simultaneously.
You know that there's nothing to do in the Orange Free State .
You produce a R100 note instead of your driver's licence when stopped by a traffic officer.
You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement.
You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car.
When you are a victim of crime and say: "At least I'm still alive".
You know a taxi can move twice it's certified number of people in one trip.
You travel 100's of kilometres to see snow.
You know the rules of Rugby better than any referee
To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750.
More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election.
People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence and Given, Patience, Portion, Coronation.
"Now now" or "just now" can mean anything from a minute to a month.
You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis traveling in the opposite direction.
Traveling at 120 km/h you're the slowest vehicle on the highway/freeway.
You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it.
A bullet train is being introduced, but we can't fix potholes.
The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday.
You paint your car's registration on the roof.
You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital.
You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one.
Prisoners go on strike.
You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.
You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.
Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.
You consider a high crime rate as normal.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from SA.
VIVA !!!!!
You call a traffic light a "robot".
You call an elevator a "lift"
You call a hood a "bonnet"
You call a trunk a "boot"
You call a pickup truck a "bakkie"
You call a Barbeque a "Braai"
The employees dance in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.
The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the programme you just finished watching.
You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.
You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you've never had any.
You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them.
You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela.
You go to braais regularly, where you eat boerewors and swim, sometimes simultaneously.
You know that there's nothing to do in the Orange Free State .
You produce a R100 note instead of your driver's licence when stopped by a traffic officer.
You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement.
You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car.
When you are a victim of crime and say: "At least I'm still alive".
You know a taxi can move twice it's certified number of people in one trip.
You travel 100's of kilometres to see snow.
You know the rules of Rugby better than any referee
To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750.
More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election.
People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence and Given, Patience, Portion, Coronation.
"Now now" or "just now" can mean anything from a minute to a month.
You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis traveling in the opposite direction.
Traveling at 120 km/h you're the slowest vehicle on the highway/freeway.
You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it.
A bullet train is being introduced, but we can't fix potholes.
The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday.
You paint your car's registration on the roof.
You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital.
You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one.
Prisoners go on strike.
You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.
You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.
Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.
You consider a high crime rate as normal.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from SA.
VIVA !!!!!
Pothole baptism
After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
" Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
"And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes."
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
" Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
"And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes."
Lekker slaap
Lekker slaap om die wêreld:
HOLLAND: Goeden nagt
AUSTRALIE: Gid Night Mate
USA: Goodnite
DUITSLAND: Schlafin sie wöhl
SUID AFRIKA:
Is die deure gesluit, die vensters toegemaak,die kar ingetrek en die alarm geaktiveer?
Is die Rotweilers gebêre en veilig?
Lekker slaap, moenie worry nie, Eskom sal die ligte afsit!
HOLLAND: Goeden nagt
AUSTRALIE: Gid Night Mate
USA: Goodnite
DUITSLAND: Schlafin sie wöhl
SUID AFRIKA:
Is die deure gesluit, die vensters toegemaak,die kar ingetrek en die alarm geaktiveer?
Is die Rotweilers gebêre en veilig?
Lekker slaap, moenie worry nie, Eskom sal die ligte afsit!
PRET OP DIE LUGHAWE
Verdryf verveeldheid in die aankomssaal wanneer jy vir jou broer wag wat van Londen af by die lughawe arriveer!
1. Skryf CELINE DION op 'n groot karton plakaat en hou dit in die lug. Reaksie sal volg.
2. Hardloop die eerste aankomeling tegemoet, Val hom/haar om die nek, vra hoe die vlug was en stap saam tot by die uitgang.
3. Trek soos 'n Arabier aan, plak 'n vals baard op jou ken, sit 'n ou wekker in 'n kartondoos en gaan staan tussen 'n groot groep mense.
4. Hou jou mede-wagtendes dop. Kies 'n naam wat iemand op 'n plakaatjie geskryf het en in die lug ophou. Skryf dieselfde naam op jou plakaat en kyk wie kry eerste die gas.
5. Kyk op die aankomsbord, kies 'n vlug wat al geland het en kondig luidkeels in die saal aan dat die vlug tot moreoggend vertraag is en dat almal maar kan huis toe gaan.
6. Met die eerste manlike passasier wat uit uitgestap kom, skree jy en 'n paar vriende kliphard ERIC!!!!!, so hard en onophoudelik dat hy later dink dat hy dalk Eric is????
7. Hardloop 'n onbekende passasier tegemoet en vra of hy/sy 'n foto van jou en jou verloofde sal neem.
1. Skryf CELINE DION op 'n groot karton plakaat en hou dit in die lug. Reaksie sal volg.
2. Hardloop die eerste aankomeling tegemoet, Val hom/haar om die nek, vra hoe die vlug was en stap saam tot by die uitgang.
3. Trek soos 'n Arabier aan, plak 'n vals baard op jou ken, sit 'n ou wekker in 'n kartondoos en gaan staan tussen 'n groot groep mense.
4. Hou jou mede-wagtendes dop. Kies 'n naam wat iemand op 'n plakaatjie geskryf het en in die lug ophou. Skryf dieselfde naam op jou plakaat en kyk wie kry eerste die gas.
5. Kyk op die aankomsbord, kies 'n vlug wat al geland het en kondig luidkeels in die saal aan dat die vlug tot moreoggend vertraag is en dat almal maar kan huis toe gaan.
6. Met die eerste manlike passasier wat uit uitgestap kom, skree jy en 'n paar vriende kliphard ERIC!!!!!, so hard en onophoudelik dat hy later dink dat hy dalk Eric is????
7. Hardloop 'n onbekende passasier tegemoet en vra of hy/sy 'n foto van jou en jou verloofde sal neem.
Join us!
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"
Johnny looked up at her and said,
"Well, he should have thought about that before he joined my church."
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"
Johnny looked up at her and said,
"Well, he should have thought about that before he joined my church."
Some wrecks are too hard to explain...
Note that the guard rail goes all the way through the car!
What WAS this when it was what it was?
I've looked and looked at this and still don't understand it!
Was this being unloaded...from a trailer?
Oops...just a bit more and never to be seen again!
Hey...aren't the wheels supposed to be on the bottom?
That's not a tank, you know...stay on the road.
That's just plain stupid
Another...what WAS it before it was what it is?
Obviously NOT a drive-in.
Let me guess...dummy had his bed up in the air...right?
It is beyond me how THIS happened...
Tswane Town
Die nuwe NAAM vir Pretoria , " Tshwane" pla nie meer nie.
Dis eintlik vernoem na Generaal de la Rey se swaer , Generaal Tshwanepoel
Dis eintlik vernoem na Generaal de la Rey se swaer , Generaal Tshwanepoel
Power to the People!!
Before 1994 we shouted:
" White Power , White Power "!!
After 1994 the ANC shouted:
" Black Power , Black Power "!!
At Last we all can shout together now
" No Power , No Power " !!
" White Power , White Power "!!
After 1994 the ANC shouted:
" Black Power , Black Power "!!
At Last we all can shout together now
" No Power , No Power " !!
Your dark future as foretold by ESKOM
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 21) : Things will be pretty dark for you today, unless you remember to buy new torch batteries.
Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) : You'll probably eat cold, raw food again today. Try to remember to get that gas cylinder filled! Be cheerful, though, and remember that your ancestors lived like this and survived - 25,000 years ago.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 22) : There will be a programme on TV tonight that you'll love. Bummer that you can't watch it 'cause it's on during your allotted "block" in the Eskom disco derby...
Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 23) : Thought you were smart buying that generator? But we know you're going to run out of fuel tonight and the nearest working petrol station is 20km away. As you get there, we'll cut their power... Sorry.
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 24) : Another morning without that essential cup of coffee awaits you... If you make it to 10am we'll reward you with enough power to make some, but by then you'll probably have killed 3 people and severely injured a 4th. (Don't worry, though. This is the New SA - you'll probably get away with it.)
Virgo (Aug 24- Sep 23) : Not for very much longer... What else is there to do after dark?
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) : Your star-sign stands for fairness and justice. That's why we're going to hit your area with three 2hr outages a day, while the area where your local MP stays will enjoy uninterrupted power throughout.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 23) : Your area's assigned outage "block" is from 10:00 to 12:30. Expect the power to go off any time before or after that. And don't think it will only be out for two-and-a-half hours, either.
Sagittarius (Nov 23- Dec 22) : Today you'll buy some food that is apparently within its sell-by date. What you won't realize is that the sell-by date is for food that has been stored in a constantly operating fridge.... Although you'll get severe food poisoning, we think you may survive if you can find an emergency ward that has back-up generators. Good luck!
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 21) : Don't bother to go to work today. During the hours when you actually will have electricity, your network provider will not, so you won't be able to do anything anyway. Stay home and well.... there's not much to do there either, is there?
Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 20) : Today you'll get so fed up with our incompetence that you'll decide to emigrate. We regret to inform you that this is no longer possible... The airports have all shut down, because - well think about it! They need electricity to run the place!! You ain't going - nowhere...
Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 21) : Today all your hopes and dreams will come true. You'll have power during "Days of Our Lives".If today is your birthday : Use lots and lots of candles on that cake - even if they don't reflect your age. How else are you going to see to open the presents?You will receive the ideal gift - your very own miner's helmet!!
Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) : You'll probably eat cold, raw food again today. Try to remember to get that gas cylinder filled! Be cheerful, though, and remember that your ancestors lived like this and survived - 25,000 years ago.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 22) : There will be a programme on TV tonight that you'll love. Bummer that you can't watch it 'cause it's on during your allotted "block" in the Eskom disco derby...
Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 23) : Thought you were smart buying that generator? But we know you're going to run out of fuel tonight and the nearest working petrol station is 20km away. As you get there, we'll cut their power... Sorry.
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 24) : Another morning without that essential cup of coffee awaits you... If you make it to 10am we'll reward you with enough power to make some, but by then you'll probably have killed 3 people and severely injured a 4th. (Don't worry, though. This is the New SA - you'll probably get away with it.)
Virgo (Aug 24- Sep 23) : Not for very much longer... What else is there to do after dark?
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) : Your star-sign stands for fairness and justice. That's why we're going to hit your area with three 2hr outages a day, while the area where your local MP stays will enjoy uninterrupted power throughout.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 23) : Your area's assigned outage "block" is from 10:00 to 12:30. Expect the power to go off any time before or after that. And don't think it will only be out for two-and-a-half hours, either.
Sagittarius (Nov 23- Dec 22) : Today you'll buy some food that is apparently within its sell-by date. What you won't realize is that the sell-by date is for food that has been stored in a constantly operating fridge.... Although you'll get severe food poisoning, we think you may survive if you can find an emergency ward that has back-up generators. Good luck!
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 21) : Don't bother to go to work today. During the hours when you actually will have electricity, your network provider will not, so you won't be able to do anything anyway. Stay home and well.... there's not much to do there either, is there?
Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 20) : Today you'll get so fed up with our incompetence that you'll decide to emigrate. We regret to inform you that this is no longer possible... The airports have all shut down, because - well think about it! They need electricity to run the place!! You ain't going - nowhere...
Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 21) : Today all your hopes and dreams will come true. You'll have power during "Days of Our Lives".If today is your birthday : Use lots and lots of candles on that cake - even if they don't reflect your age. How else are you going to see to open the presents?You will receive the ideal gift - your very own miner's helmet!!
ONS OU DORPIE (Dis nie vuil nie, dis jou gedagtes wat vuil is!!)
In ons ou dorpie wou die mense nie huise bou nie, omrede die vuurspuwende berge in die omgewing. Die mense het toe besluit om in gate te bly.
Van kleins af moes die kinders leer om hul eie gate te grawe.
Die burgemeester het die grootste gat gehad. Die stadsklerk het baie in die burgemeester se gat gekruip. Toe die mense kom uitvang, het hulle sy gat toegestop.
Die bankbestuurder het eenkant in harde grond gebly, en hy is ou Hardegat genoem. Die dominee het 'n mooi skoon gat gehad, en hy moes sy gat skoonhou, want niemand het van 'n vuilgat predikant gehou nie.
Die onderwyseres het 'n baie mooi gat gehad en almal het haar gat bewonder.
Die assuransie agent het sy gat eenkant gehad. Hy het baie rondgereis en het sy gat net een maal per week gesien. Eendag het 'n bottel brandewyn in die barman se gat gebreek en al die mans het gekom om sy gat te lek.
Die posmeester se gat was vol seels geplak. Die haarkapper se gat was vol hare.
In die winkelier se gat het die wind altyd gewaai, en hy is ou Windgat genoem.
Buite die dorp was die lokasie en dit was die een swart gat op die ander.
Die begrafnisondernemer se gat het altyd geruik, en hulle het hom sommer ou Stinkgat genoem.
Eendag het die vuurspuwende berg uitgebars en almal het gat skoon gemaak, maar niemand kon sy eie gat red nie.
Van kleins af moes die kinders leer om hul eie gate te grawe.
Die burgemeester het die grootste gat gehad. Die stadsklerk het baie in die burgemeester se gat gekruip. Toe die mense kom uitvang, het hulle sy gat toegestop.
Die bankbestuurder het eenkant in harde grond gebly, en hy is ou Hardegat genoem. Die dominee het 'n mooi skoon gat gehad, en hy moes sy gat skoonhou, want niemand het van 'n vuilgat predikant gehou nie.
Die onderwyseres het 'n baie mooi gat gehad en almal het haar gat bewonder.
Die assuransie agent het sy gat eenkant gehad. Hy het baie rondgereis en het sy gat net een maal per week gesien. Eendag het 'n bottel brandewyn in die barman se gat gebreek en al die mans het gekom om sy gat te lek.
Die posmeester se gat was vol seels geplak. Die haarkapper se gat was vol hare.
In die winkelier se gat het die wind altyd gewaai, en hy is ou Windgat genoem.
Buite die dorp was die lokasie en dit was die een swart gat op die ander.
Die begrafnisondernemer se gat het altyd geruik, en hulle het hom sommer ou Stinkgat genoem.
Eendag het die vuurspuwende berg uitgebars en almal het gat skoon gemaak, maar niemand kon sy eie gat red nie.
What do you mean you don't "get" South African politics?, it's easy...
It's worth clicking on this picture to see the details...
Sabotage!!
Do you remember the 80's when the NP Government spent HUGE amounts of public money to protect our Power Stations against the ANC sabotage ??
Well............ It did'nt work.
Well............ It did'nt work.
Africa in 2030
Africa in a nutshell...
The year is 2030.........
A black couple is sitting in their apartment waiting to die.
There are no jobs to be had, inflation is running at 5000 percent, they haven't eaten a decent meal in weeks, there is no water and power hasn't worked in months.
So they sit huddled under blankets waiting for the end when suddenly they hear the water pipes begin to rumble and eventually water starts pouring out of the long unused taps. Next the light begins to flicker and then fill the apartment with bright light.
On the streets below a truck arrives handing out grain.
The husband looks at his wife and says,
"Quick woman, bring me my panga! The whites are back!
The year is 2030.........
A black couple is sitting in their apartment waiting to die.
There are no jobs to be had, inflation is running at 5000 percent, they haven't eaten a decent meal in weeks, there is no water and power hasn't worked in months.
So they sit huddled under blankets waiting for the end when suddenly they hear the water pipes begin to rumble and eventually water starts pouring out of the long unused taps. Next the light begins to flicker and then fill the apartment with bright light.
On the streets below a truck arrives handing out grain.
The husband looks at his wife and says,
"Quick woman, bring me my panga! The whites are back!
Spread the Stupidity
Only in the UK :
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in the UK :
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in the UK :
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in the UK :
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in the UK :
do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
EVER WONDER ....Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in the UK :
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in the UK :
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in the UK :
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in the UK :
do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
EVER WONDER ....Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response.... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrongwith the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response.... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrongwith the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
Blue Bull suicide!!
How do you get a Bull's supporter to commit suicide?
He drops from his arrogance level to his IQ level
He drops from his arrogance level to his IQ level
Boere is rof
Edward Longshanks het met 4 000 troepe Suid-Afrika toe gekom om die Boereop te foeter...By die slagveld gekom sien hy doer in die verte op 'n koppie staan 'n figuur met blonde hare, kortbroek aan met 'n kam in sy kous.
"Rooinek!" skree die Boer op die koppie. "Kom hier jou Engelse muis! Iwill gives you one helluva gatskop!"
Edward draai om na sy bevelvoerder en sê: "Take 20 men and deal with that Boer upstart!"
Die bevelvoerder stuur 20 man om die Boer te gaan soek.
Tien minute later staan die Boer weer op die koppie.
"You! English vark! Stuur the rest of your Rooinekke. I will fix them almal op!"
Edward raak nou ietwat geïrriteerd en sê vir die Bevelvoerder:
"Take 100men and kill that little guttersnipe!"
Die bevelvoerder stuur 100 man oor die koppie.'n Rukkie later staan die Boer so waar as wragtig weer op die randjie en skree:
"Hey, you soutie! I is just warming up! Come slat my dik, as jy kan!"
Toe verloor Edward kop en stuur 400 troepe om die Boer dood te maak. Tien minute later staan die Boer maar weer daar. Sy klere is geskeur en sy hare staan wild. Dis net snot, bloed en Klipdrif.
Weer skree hy: "Is dat de best you can do? You bloody vrot pommies! Come on, come souties! Kom klap me stukkend!"
Rooi in die gesig sê Edward vir die bevelvoerder:"Take the rest of the men and don't come back until you have killed him!"
Vyf minute later kom een van die troepe al gillende en vol bloed oor dierandjie gestorm:
"Sir, Sir!" skree hy, "It's a trap! There are two of them!"
"Rooinek!" skree die Boer op die koppie. "Kom hier jou Engelse muis! Iwill gives you one helluva gatskop!"
Edward draai om na sy bevelvoerder en sê: "Take 20 men and deal with that Boer upstart!"
Die bevelvoerder stuur 20 man om die Boer te gaan soek.
Tien minute later staan die Boer weer op die koppie.
"You! English vark! Stuur the rest of your Rooinekke. I will fix them almal op!"
Edward raak nou ietwat geïrriteerd en sê vir die Bevelvoerder:
"Take 100men and kill that little guttersnipe!"
Die bevelvoerder stuur 100 man oor die koppie.'n Rukkie later staan die Boer so waar as wragtig weer op die randjie en skree:
"Hey, you soutie! I is just warming up! Come slat my dik, as jy kan!"
Toe verloor Edward kop en stuur 400 troepe om die Boer dood te maak. Tien minute later staan die Boer maar weer daar. Sy klere is geskeur en sy hare staan wild. Dis net snot, bloed en Klipdrif.
Weer skree hy: "Is dat de best you can do? You bloody vrot pommies! Come on, come souties! Kom klap me stukkend!"
Rooi in die gesig sê Edward vir die bevelvoerder:"Take the rest of the men and don't come back until you have killed him!"
Vyf minute later kom een van die troepe al gillende en vol bloed oor dierandjie gestorm:
"Sir, Sir!" skree hy, "It's a trap! There are two of them!"
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