Scenario: Piet en Jan raak betrokke in 'n fight by die skool
TOE 'n Groot groep seuns vorm rondom die twee, hulle slaan die #$% uit mekaar uit, skud hande en die volgende dag is hulle dik pels.
NOU Polisie word ontbied en arressteer vir Jan en Piet. Alle selfone met videos van die fight word gekonfiskeer as bewysstukke. Albei word aangekla vir aanranding. Altwee word geskors al het Piet die fight begin. Die ouers word ingeroep vir konsultasie en die ander kindes wat die fight gesien het kry trauma berading. Die video van die fight is beskikbaar op YouTube.
Scenario: Piet onstig die klas want hy wil nie stilsit en stilbly nie
TOE Piet se gat word vuurwarm geslaan. Hy sit nog steeds nie stil nie want sy gat brand te veel, maar hy hou darem sy bek en maak matriek klaar en word 'n suksesvolle besigheidsman.
NOU Piet word op Ritalin gesit want hy het een of ander hiperaktiewe neiging. Word 'n zombie. Word getoets vir ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). Die juffrou sukkel haar gat af. Piet kan nie bybly nie en verlaat skool na Standerd 6.
Scenario: Jan gooi 'n klip en breek 'n ruit van die buurman se huis.
TOE: Jan se gat brand. Hy moet vir 'n week lank in die buurman se tuin werk.
NOU: Jan se gat brand. Sy pa word gearresteer vir kindermishandeling. Jan word in pleegsorg geplaas. Die sielkundige oortuig Jan se suster dat haar pa haar seksueel aangerand het en hul pa gaan tronk toe. Jan se ma en pa skei want sy het 'n verhouding met die Sielkundige.
Scenario: Piet druip Engels op Hoërskool.
TOE Piet se gat brand. Hy moet Engels ekstra klasse loop. Hy slaag Engels goed in matriek en gaan Universiteit toe.
NOU Die Onderwyser kry die skuld. Piet is getraumatiseer. Sy saak word opgevat deur 'n plaaslike menseregte groep wat bepaal dat dit rassisties is om Engels 'n vereiste vak te maak. Dit raak 'n politieke storie en 'n saak word aanhangig gemaak teen die skool en die Onderwysdepartement. Engels word van die curriculum afgehaal. Piet slaag matriek goed, maar sny gras vir 'n lewe want hy kan nie Engels praat nie.
Scenario Jan vat 'n klomp klappers, maak 'n bom daarmee en blaas 'n miershoop op.
TOE Jan se gat brand. Die miershoop is in sy kanon. Duisende miere dood.
NOU Die Veiligheidspolisie en Dierebeskermingsgroepe word ingeroep en Jan word aangekla van stedelike terrorisme en dieremishandeling. Sy ouers word dopgehou. Jonger broers en susters word van die huis af weggevat. Hulle rekenaars word gekonfiskeer en Jan se pa word op 'n lys van terroriste geplaas en hy kan nie verder werk kry nie. Die familie kripeer.
Scenario Piet val sy knie in nerwe gedurende pouse. Sy juffrou vee sy trane af, maak die knie skoon en gee hom 'n drukkie.
TOE Piet voel gou beter en tweede pouse hol hy al weer rond.
NOU Piet se Juffrou word beskuldig dat sy 'n pedofiel is en verloor haar werk. Sy kry 'n opgeskorte vonnis. Piet ondergaan terapie vir die volgende vyf jaar. Raak 'n moffie.
Oppas vir 'n kwaai vrou
Vrou stel glo dodelike lokval in toilet
(Dis 'n regtige koerant berig hierdie, al lyk die name en voorvalle soos 'n wel-uitgedinkte grap!)
The new element discovered in SA
Research in South Africa has led to the discovery of the heaviest elementyet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving itan atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believethat Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical level ofconcentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving itan atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believethat Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical level ofconcentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Look Happy at work
All personnel will be expected to look happy at work. Rubber bands and paper clips will be provided at no cost.
How to look Happy at work:
* Workload getting to you? * Feeling stressed?* Too many Priority 1 assignments?
Here is the new low cost way to cope with multiple Priority 1 assignments!
Take 2 paper clips and rubber bands. Fig 1
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How to look Happy at work:
* Workload getting to you? * Feeling stressed?* Too many Priority 1 assignments?
Here is the new low cost way to cope with multiple Priority 1 assignments!
Take 2 paper clips and rubber bands. Fig 1
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Nog een dansky ESKOM
Wat is die verskil tussen SA en die Titanic?
Die Titanic se ligte het gebrand toe hy sink!
Die Titanic se ligte het gebrand toe hy sink!
The 2007 Darwin Awards
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M. , flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M. , flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
And more ESKOM jokes!! where do they come up with this stuff?
This is the ESKOM maintennace team hard at work:
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