Tool Time

Probably the best descriptions of tools that I have ever seen.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bar metal stock out of your hands so it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted car part that you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time that it takes to say, "Ouch…."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Also prone to suddenly seize when drilling concrete in "Hammer" mode, spinning around flailing your legs and ripping the cord out of its socket.

PLIERS: Used for rounding off bolt heads. Also useful for creating blood-blisters on pinched fingers.

SMALL SHARP SCREWDRIVER: Used mostly for stabbing holes in your palm as you are prying the lid off an old paint tin.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion; the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles – now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the floor after you have installed your new disc brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the car bumper.

EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off the jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten time harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in boltholes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN ½ X 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, a good source of vitamin D "The sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at the same rate 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper and tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic Impact Wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone in Detroit, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip that you needed to remove in order to replace a $.50 part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a sort of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door.; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts. Has the nasty habit of following fingers to slice them open and delay further action.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your voice. It is also the next tool that you need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases the pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

RON Clemens, via email. Cars and Parts, January 2006 USA